sign of the times | h.s.

chapter eight

MADILYN HOLLEY

I spent the next few days hiding out in the pool house trying to avoid my problems for as long as possible. The only person I told about that night was Tess, and she lost her mind when I did. She tried to convince me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be but she had no idea. I had only had sex once before, I lost my virginity at a party when I was sixteen. I did it on a whim with a guy I hardly knew because I felt like I needed to. I felt like I hadn't done enough in life and that maybe I would be happier if I was just going with what all of my other friends were doing. That lifestyle wasn't for me though, and it ended up being one of the worst decisions I had ever made. I regretted that for so long, and now the second guy I sleep with I was so drunk I can't even remember it? My track record was getting worse and worse as I realized how toxic I am. I'm self destructive, and I can't seem to change it.

The worst part is that both times were such meaningless affairs, when really I viewed sex as so much more than that. I didn't want to have sex again until I was fully committed to someone. I'm not saying I needed to be married or anything, but I definitely was not a casual hookup kind of girl. I was too emotional of a person to treat it casually, I got too emotionally invested. That's why I wanted to wait after that first time until I was really in love, and with someone I fully trusted, and I blew that for myself. The longer I thought about it the worse I felt.

I heard a door open downstairs and heard the shuffling of feet coming up the stairs as Liam called my name. I didn't respond though, because only seconds later he was standing in the doorway of my room.

"Hey Madi, are you okay? I've only seen you once in the last three days and you've been holed up in here the whole time by yourself." Liam asked with worry laced through his voice.

"I'm alright Lee, I'm just having a rough time is all." I replied shortly.

"What's going on?" He asked, taking a seat at the edge of my bed.

I realized I couldn't tell him what was really wrong so instead I replied, "I just miss Alex. I want to talk to him more than anything. I would do anything to talk to him again. He was my best friend and he's gone and it just hurts."

I wasn't lying, the past three days have been horrible on all accounts. I was obviously upset about the entire situation going on with Harry, which made me want to lie around the house and sleep all day. However, with sleep came the nightmares, which woke me up and put me right back into the dark place. So I was sleep deprived and emotionally empty, hurting so badly because of all that was happening. I missed my brother and I felt guilty about my massive mistake, and everything was getting to be too much to handle.

"I know Madi, I know you do. You know if you ever need someone to talk to or to just be there, I am always here for you. I'm never going to judge you or think less of you for anything, and that includes your feelings. You know that right?" Liam asked.

Oh if only he knew, he wouldn't be so quick to say he isn't judging me. "I know, thank you." I replied with a small smile.

Liam gave me my space, which I was thankful for, heading back to the main house and leaving me to have some time by myself. That was when the wallowing began all over again.

HARRY STYLES

I sat on the floor alone in the studio I had pieced together with Mitch in our house, a guitar in my lap and a journal on the floor open in front of me. I used it often to write down thoughts, feelings, lyrics, sometimes I even sketched out melodies. I wrote everything in my journals, and they were a great way of keeping track of my ideas.