Chapter 23
I wasn't able to quickly move. Nanatili pa akong nakatitig sa screen ng phone ko.
I read his message again and again and it still says the same. I'm not hallucinating. He's really outside.
I just got back to my senses when the heater made a noise, which meant the water's boiling now. 'Yon ang una kong nilapitan at tinanggal mula sa pagkakasaksak sa plug. Saglit pa akong tumitig doon, looking so crazy for waiting for it to tell me what to do.
I slapped myself. Nababaliw na ata ako.
After exhaling for the nth time, I decided to just go out and ask him why he's here when it's already so late.
Dahan-dahan lang akong naglakad palapit sa pinto, afraid I'll make a noise. Tulog na kasi ang mga kasama ko ngayon dito sa bahay. At saka nakakahiya rin kung malaman nilang pinuntahan ako ni Sir Troy. I'm not ready for whatever they're gonna think about it.
True enough, he was there, leaning on the hood of his car and holding his phone. Pagkakita sa aking papalapit ay agad niyang itinago ang phone niya sa bulsa.
It was like his face lightened up when he saw me. He hurriedly gave me a smile.
"Why are you here?" I asked when I finally went out of the gate. Ilang hakbang pa ang ginawa ko hanggang sa tuluyan nang makalapit sa kanya.
He scratched the back of his head as he slightly bowed. He suddenly looked so shy. I smiled a little.
"I couldn't sleep," he said. My brows automatically furrowed. Kapag hindi nakatulog, dapat bang puntahan agad ako?
"What does that have to do with me?" I queried, looking straight at him. There was definitely something in his eyes. I just can't pinpoint what.
"Aren't you cold?" He asked instead. Saglit niyang tiningnan ang suot ko pero sobrang saglit lang 'non. Napatingin rin tuloy ako.
I'm wearing a pink sleeveless nightgown. Medyo manipis nga. Umihip pa ang hangin kaya napayakap ako sa sarili. But I couldn't let him inside the house! Baka maabutan kami ng kung sino man, I'll be dead.
"Is it okay if we talk inside the car?" He questioned. Napatango na lang ako. I think it's better that way.
He walked towards the shotgun seat and opened its door for me. I murmured my thanks as I slid myself inside. He quickly ran to the driver's seat.
Nang makaupo siya sa tabi ko ay mabilis niyang in-off ang aircon saka kami binalot ng katahimikan. I don't know what's running inside his head. Diretso lang kasi siyang nakatingin sa harapan. A few seconds had passed, I decided to break the silence.
"So bakit hindi ka nakatulog and what does that have to do with me?" Tanong ko as I looked at him. Napatingin siya sa may gawi ko and stifled a sigh.
"Are you mad at me?" He asked. I was taken aback. Did it look like I was mad at him?
I looked away. "No, I'm not."
"I just... I thought you were mad at me because..." He couldn't continue what he's saying, na para bang tinitimbang pa niya if it's okay to say it.
"Because?"
"Because of what you saw last week," he murmured.
"Why will I be mad?"
He wasn't able to reply kaya nilingon ko siya and I saw his pained expression. Pero sandali lang 'yon because he then tried to smile.
"Oo nga. Bakit ka magagalit?" He murmured. He even laughed. It was a fake laugh. "Hindi lang ako makatulog because I kept thinking about you... Why you're suddenly so distant. I feel like I did something wrong kasi pakiramdam ko iniiwasan mo 'ko."
It was hard to admit. But yeah, I was really avoiding him. And yeah, maybe I should just admit to myself that I did feel insecure. He indirectly said he likes me and everything he did, show me he really does. But when I saw him with Ma'am Janette, I suddenly feel so insecure.
Ma'am Janette's really a smart woman. She's so talented too and I saw her got courted by a lot of guys. And she's pretty. It was like she's close to perfect. Pakiramdam ko wala lang ako sa kalingkingan niya.
Seeing him with her? It doesn't feel good.
"Hope," he called. Napayuko na pala ako because of what I've been thinking.
I looked up and saw him staring at me.
"I like you." He sighed. "I really do."
I thought I stopped breathing.
"I'm in love with you, Hope."
I tried to open my mouth but I always end up closing it. I don't know what to say.
"You might think it's too early. But I'm sure about it," he added.
Natatakot akong maniwala. What if mali lang siya? That he doesn't really like me? And there's Ma'am Janette. Baka ma-realize niyang I'm not really his type and someone's way better than me. I don't want to get hurt by that.
"But I'm not as great as Ma'am Janette."
Stupid. It was so stupid.
It was too late when I realized what I just said. It just came out of my mouth. I suddenly want to punch myself. How can I even say that without thinking? Ugh!
"I didn't mean anything. Shocks, I don't-"
"She's not you," he uttered, dismissing what I said. Muling nagkasalubong ang tingin namin. "If we're talking about great, you're more than that, Hope. And there's no one I want but you."
His stare was so intense that I had to look away. I even tried to fan myself using my hand. It's getting hot here. This must be why I'm feeling so hot.
This is actually the first time someone said those words to me. Kaya hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot. And God, I can't even understand what I'm feeling. I'm feeling a lot of things and it's confusing.
Am I happy? Kinikilig ba 'ko? Do I find it cheesy? I don't know. I think I just lost the ability to think. I think I'm going crazy.
"You're shaking," he suddenly said. He took my shaking hands and held it with his. Wala akong magawa kundi ang tumingin sa kanya. Kinakabahan ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano pipigilan ang sarili ko sa panginginig.
"I don't want you comparing yourself to anyone, Hope. You're awesome just the way you are."
"Sir..."
"And please call me Troy when we're outside the school."
Shit.
Now how can I say I feel the same way too? How can I tell him I like him too?
"Now, with Janette... We're just colleagues. We're going to work on a research paper together that's why we're spending more time together. Last week, we also attended a conference and presented our undergrad thesis. It was a bit similar so we decided to collaborate and we're trying to win some sponsors so we can make that research happen," he stated. He was saying it while holding my hands and looking at me.
"And I'm so sorry if I wasn't able to contact you. During the conference, phones weren't allowed. And I... I heard what your bandmates said that night we ate at the same café. I was... okay, I was jealous. I don't want you around other guys. I don't want anyone else to pursue you. But then, who am I to stop them? Kaya I gave myself time to think about it."
"And I thought about it a lot, Hope. We just got back yesterday and I really wanted to see you so badly but I thought I can just wait for today. I'll see you in class anyway. Pero 'yon nga. I feel like you were avoiding me and it bothered me so much that's why I couldn't sleep. Hindi ako makakatulog without clearing everything out."
I don't know. Everything I heard was too much for my heart. It wouldn't stop beating crazily.
"Was it too much?" He asked. I nodded like a child which made him chuckle.
I miss hearing that chuckle.
"I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything." He gave me a genuine smile. "I just want to tell you that I'm not backing out. I'm courting you."
