Breathe Again

09: We Love Lakes

The next morning they make sure to set off nice and early, Liam complains briefly when Isaac tells him they can't stop and enjoy the all you can eat breakfast at the hotel but Isaac knows it's important to set off nice and early to avoid the traffic, and anyway Liam can always be convinced by the promise of a McDonald's hash brown. And so they're off, the sun is still low in the sky and Isaac is desperately squinting and wishing he'd packed his sunglasses - not that he knew he'd be needing them - and trying to focus on the road ahead.

Sadly Liam has never quite understood the idea of focus and instead his favourite word seems to be distraction as he keeps popping up with inane questions for Isaac.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Do I actually get a choice?" Isaac replies simply.

Liam glares but doesn't bother acknowledging Isaac's question.

"Would you rather know when you're going to die, or when the person you love most is going to die?"

Isaac feels a little floored by that question. The idea of the person he loves the most feels weirdly malleable, little more than a figurine made of playdough, ready to be molded into someone else. Several faces flicker through his mind, his mum, his dad, the twins, Liam. Isaac has to force himself to refocus back on the road, to refuse to let his mind wander down the road of who exactly he loves and what exactly that all means.

"I'm not really sure, I mean I can't say there's definitely one person I love the most, lots of people in the running you know? But I guess I'd honestly rather know when I'm going to die, not in a selfish way, but because I couldn't bear to know they were going to die and there was nothing I could do about it, and if I know when I'm going to die then I can do the best I can to make sure I leave things in the best way possible." Liam is silent, and Isaac scrambles to make his answer somehow less weird. "I mean, I don't know though, does anyone really know?"

"I think that's a very good answer," Liam says quietly, "although I think I might like to know when they're going to die, because then I can prepare myself. But I suppose that's a pretty selfish answer."

"You're allowed to be selfish when it's for someone you love."

The two boys sit in awkward silence for a moment but as per usual Liam soon jumps to fill it.

"Okay then, would you rather know when you're going to die, or when I'm going to die."

Isaac isn't sure whether he can let him know that that question isn't too different from the one he asked before. I mean Isaac isn't sure he knows himself or his feelings quite well enough to say that Liam is the person he loves most in the world. But he sure as hell knows himself well enough to know that he likes Liam, a lot, and he definitely loves him in terms of a friend, and maybe as more than a friend. But there's no way to insert that tangent into a conversation, for Isaac to spill out that confession without it staining the friendship. So he zips his lips and pretends to think the question over.

"I'm not sure," he admits, "I guess it depends on the circumstances."

Liam sighs as if he's not quite satisfied with the answer but doesn't push the issue any further. Isaac hopes that this means the pair of them can settle into silence, but of course, you very rarely get what you wish for and soon enough Liam is chirping away again.

"Why exactly are we going to the Lake District?"

Isaac isn't quite sure how to answer this question without going into a long spiel about everything that brought him here, so he decides to settle for the easiest answer.

"I lived there before I moved, I just kind of miss it and want to visit."

"I always forget you moved here fairly recently, just in time to take on Daniel I guess."