Breathe Again

19: Life is Sad and So Are We

The next day the morning is bright, sunshine beating down and slithering through the crack in the curtains so that Isaac is forced to wake up early. He knows what he should do today, knows that he would much rather do it alone, but he has a feeling Liam is going to ask to tag along anyway. Isaac needs to come up with a reason that won't work, some reason to tell Liam not to come with him without hurting his feelings. Isaac hasn't quite come up with that part of the plan yet but he's sure he'll figure it out.

Unsurprisingly Liam is already awake and dressed when Isaac finally decides to get up and he looks at Isaac with a big smile on his face.

"What do you wanna do today?" Liam asks.

"Uhm... I actually have a couple of errands I need to run. Do you think you can entertain yourself for a while?"

Isaac hates the way he has phrased it, as if Liam is a small child that he's babysitting but the words are already out in the open and so there's no turning back rephrasing it now.

"Oh.. yeah of course, are you sure you don't need help with whatever you're doing?"

"Yeah I'll be fine, it's the kind of thing I'm better off doing alone anyway."

"If you're sure," Liam says.

"I am."

Isaac can tell that Liam is confused but he refuses to dwell on it. Instead he pulls on clean(ish) clothes and heads out of the hostel before Liam has a chance to ask more questions, and before Isaac starts to get cold feet.

The graveyard is never exactly a welcoming looking place but at least in the sunlight it looks somewhat approachable. Isaac forces himself to put one foot in front of the other and not think about it too hard, he hasn't been here in years, can count the number of times he's visited on a single hand, but his feet still know where to take him and he barely has to think about where he's going.

Gideon's name is still clear as day even though the grave itself has started to become overgrown, Isaac supposes that's what happens when there's no one there to take care of it. Not for the first time Isaac resents his parents a little for never allowing him to come back to visit. He understands the need to move away, for a fresh start. He just wishes it hadn't meant leaving Gideon behind completely. His therapist used to tell him that grief was an unusual thing, and that everyone responds differently. But Isaac never quite understood how his parents' grief manifested, when it became that Gideon's name along was some kind of taboo word never to be spoken again.

Isaac gets down on his knees and begins digging out the weeds, they're luckily not too spiky but Isaac isn't sure he'd notice anyway, he's too focused on clearing the ground, on making sure anyone who passes can read Gideon's tombstone. His eyes are blurring, tears coming thick and fast, and he realises his movements are frantic, like he's a man possessed.

He stops, pulls back, stares at the tombstone.

"I'm so sorry Gid," Isaac whispers, "I'm so sorry we left you here."

Isaac knows they couldn't have exactly brought Gideon with them, he was already six feet underground when his parents announced they were moving. But Isaac still feels guilty they left him behind, for his grave to grow so wild. Isaac still thinks of him nearly everyday, and he's sure his parents must too, but never coming back to his grave somehow feels like some major betrayal. Something that Isaac doesn't feel like should ever be able to forgive himself for.

He tries to brush away the tears, but they're coming so fast and it's far too late to start trying so he just bows his head and lets them fall. Shoulders shaking, stomach so unsteady that he wonders if he'll ever recover.