to neptune and back, still. // billie eilish

twenty-one.

Billies POV

Its been three days since I left out of Katherine's front door and never spoke to her again. I don't think I've left my bed since.

Finneas comes in and checks on me every once in a while but I just tell him I'm exhausted and need sleep. Been up all night. Headache. Whatever the excuse is.

He knows it isn't true.But he leaves me alone anyways.

I've gotten a million texts from her, but I can't bring myself to respond. What happened?

I left so suddenly and I know shes hurt but I just don't understand all of the lies and the distrust.

Tour starts this week, and I've never dreaded anything more. I don't want to go without her. Maybe she'd still go with me? I don't want to leave her. But part of me knows I need to take a break from her. I need to sort myself out. I need to figure out what I did so wrong that made her turn around and lie to my face.

I throw the covers off my legs and walk a few steps to the bathroom, turning the hot water on and stripping my clothes.

Half the time I don't even feel real. Life feels weird without her. Incomplete.

I miss her silly texts and her cute pictures that she'd send me. But right now it's just paragraphs on paragraphs.

I hop in the shower, facing the shower head and just letting the water take over me. I held my breath for a while and just stood there with my eyes closed.

It was warm, and it felt like a hug.

I need a hug.

But, I know I can't live like this. I cant sit and think and wallow.

I think I thought for too long because I opened my eyes and couldn't breath and water went up my nose.

I wash my hair for the first time in the past few days, and I wash my body with a bar of soap.

I finish everything, wrapping a towel around me. I stood staring at the mirror for a while. I kinda look like a wet dog. My blackish purple hair just flopped on my head, and my skin was clear and shiny. I don't look for too long. Instead, I turn the light off, and walk back to my room.I turn the lights on, and open my blinds.

Today is a new day. I can do this.

Repeating that in my head all morning while doing normal people things felt silly, but it helped.

I threw on a t-shirt and matching shorts, Jordan's, and my keys.

"Mom, I'll be back. Going to Drew's for a bit." I say, as I close the door, skipping down my stairs.

I text Drew as I walk to my car, since I actually haven't even told her I'm coming.

"yo u better be awake. omw now. need you rn."

Send.

I click my seatbelt but the only thing I can smell is Katherine's perfume.

I just can't get away, can I?

I drive not too far to Drew's house, because she texted me back giving me permission to come. Even though I didn't need it. I was coming either way.

She sat outside with her legs swinging over her chair, as I pulled into her driveway. She jumped when I honked at her, falling out if her chair.

"Oh my god." I say, laughing through every syllable as I run over to her, and we laugh together.

"Dumbass." She says, shoving me slightly after she stands up, and brushes herself off.

"Come on." She says, opening the door.

Drew's house is nice. I used to come here all the time, but we don't talk much anymore. Not like we used to.

I ran to her room, jumping stomach first onto her bed, letting my body sink into her memory-foam cushions.

"You could've taken a nap at your own house." She says, setting a class of lemonade on her nightstand.

"Too depressing." I say, flipping over to face her.

"You good?"

I kinda sigh, shrugging my shoulders. "I think so. Maybe. Who knows."

She joins me on the bed, laying on her back.

"Vent to me. Go, Tell me every detail." She says, crossing her hands on her stomach, waiting for a response.

"Well. I don't know what's up with me and Katherine but I kind of stormed off on her after she let a criminal hide out at her house, by the way that criminal is the same girl who sexually assaulted her. And this isn't the first time. She's always keeping things from me and I never know what's going on. But I'm in love with her and I miss her and all I want is to hug her and apologize and work everything out but I can't."

Drew flips over, wiping my face.

I didn't realize I was crying.

"Call her. You won't regret it."

That's all she said.

And she handed me my phone as if I was required to do it.

"I can't. And I won't."