to neptune and back, still. // billie eilish

twenty-three.

Billies POV

I sit, staring at my phone on the messages app. Specifically, staring at a screen with the name 'katherine love' at the top of it.

I don't want to give in and go back but god, I miss her. I miss her hugs and her kisses and everything about her. This was supposed to be forever.

I got a call from the judge yesterday saying the court date was in two days. Now, it's tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. I feel as if I can't be there for her right now when she needs it most. She needs my hugs just as much as I need hers.

But I can't.

I still sit on the screen for another 10 minutes, just staring. Staring at all the texts that she sent me within the past few days. I want to respond so badly.

My eyes start to tear up and I have to put my phone down. I want to respond. I want to tell her I've been thinking the same things. I want to drive to her house right now and sit on her bed and talk about everything while she lays in my arms.

"hey." I type, but I don't send it.

I just set my phone down, and stand up. I walk to the living room, and I write a song.

I play the piano softly and sing random verses in the melody I want. But instead, all my thoughts pour out onto the piano keys and suddenly I was sobbing.

How do people do this?

I stand up once again, and walk back to my room. I pick up my phone, and click send. I set my phone back down, and lay down on my bed. I get a text notification immediately.

'Don't check it Billie.' I repeat in my head over and over.

"Bil." Finneas says, walking into my room.

"Uh, yeah?" I say, almost with attitude.

"Wanna go eat with me and Claudia?" he asks, with a big smile. He does that when he wants me to do something.

"Yeah, give me ten minutes."

He walks out of the room, so I close the door behind him and walk over to my closet.

I look like a mess and I feel gross.

I throw on some nice brands and a pair of Jordan 1's.

Gotta look nice so it looks like I feel nice.

I walk out the door, meeting Finneas outside.
"Yo, come get in my car. Claudia's gonna meet us there." I walk to his car, throwing myself into the passenger seat.

"You good?" He says, giving me a concerned face.

"No. Can we talk.?"

He turns the keys in the ignition, and drives off as I rant about everything going on.

"It sucks. I miss her so much but she's proved herself to be untrustworthy so many times. I just want to trust her."

"Did you even talk to her?"

I sit and think instead of answering. She never even got closure. I feel so bad.

I reach for my phone in my pocket so I can text her but, nothing is there.

Shit.

Left it on my bed.

I stare out the window, letting the wind hit my face as Finneas switches lanes and drives past a girl, who looks pretty familiar.

Mohagony.

But what's weird is she looked at me, and freaks out.

"Billie!" She screams as she rolls her window down. Then pointing to her t-shirt which has a green blohsh printed on it.

"I love you!" I yell, still very confused.

She blows me a kiss as we pass her, and I sit back in my seat.

"That's my friends girlfriend."

"Guess you got some fans as friends." Finneas says as he pulls into the parking lot of an outdoor cafe.

Claudia smiles as we pull into the spot next to her, and she waves at Finneas as soon as he steps out.

They welcome each other with a kiss and i smirk, pretending to act like I didn't wish Katherine was here.

They walk side by side as I walk behind them, kicking rocks with every step.

"Hey, you okay?" Finneas says, turning around and seeing how far back I was.

"Yeah, I'm good. I think I'm just gonna call an Uber."

Finneas takes his keys out of his pocket, throwing them towards me.

"Just take my car, I'll go home with Claudia."

I lunge for the keys, barely catching them.

Truth is, I just want to get home so I can text Katherine. I don't want to sit in this cafe and possible get noticed when I'm feeling like this. I want to give the fans all my energy and happiness.

I drive home, trying not to think about her. But, that's hard.

Thinking about her in my passenger seat, holding my hand. I bet she'd be doing that right now. She'd be singing the music as it blares from the speakers and she'd smile at me every time a song ends. Or she'd kiss me at every red light.

This hurts so bad.

Time goes by slower than ever, but eventually I get home.

I walk into the house, and my mom greets me with a smile.

"Someone's waiting for you in your room." She winks.