Change Me

TWELVE

"Feeling's that come back are feelings that never left"

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That same night after the interviews things felt weird. So weird that it didn't feel real, it was like I was living inside one of my nightmares. I laid in bed by myself for a while staring at the ceiling.

Tomorrow is the day we go back in there.

I don't know what stresses me out more, the fact that I have to witness the boy I'm starting to love again kill or that President Snow is watching our every move. I have a feeling either way we're both dead. President Snow will always find a loop hole to kill.

Cato and I decided to secretly join Plutarch's plan. To President Snow, it still looks like we're following his plan. But in reality we're helping Katniss escape so we can too. I think it's safer this way. Snow can't control us for the rest of his life by dangling our families death on a string to motivate us. I don't want to be a sex toy to the capital for the rest of my life either. I would feel very uncomfortable with Cato if he was being treated the same way.

I felt arms wrap around me as I laid on my side. I hummed in response as Cato tucked his head into my neck. I was facing the window as he made himself comfortable in bed next to me.

"What's going through that beautiful head of yours?" I shrugged in response as he probably knew. I felt so pressured to do the right thing in there. Plutarch seemed to be "good" but these days all people wanna do is just take down the government. Sometimes they don't care what they do to get there. "You're thinking about tomorrow?" I nodded and he pulled me to his chest. It was bare and warm like it always was.

"I'm nervous," I mumbled into his arm. "I don't want to go through the same thing again." Sometimes I felt like a baby to whine about killing other people to a boy who was meant to be a victor.

"I get it. The first time was traumatizing," He said. I heard him sigh a couple of seconds later. "I definitely didn't help." He was right, he didn't. But at least he recognizes that now. Hopefully he doesn't make the same mistake twice.

"You're different now, that's what matters," I said. I heard him mumble a 'Yeah'. I think he really beats himself up for how he treated me the first time in the games. He really is trying to show me how much he cares. I flipped over to the other side to face him. It looked like he was thinking. I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me. "Now what's going through your head?" He chuckled.

"Just thinking over and over of how tomorrow's going to play out," He said. I nodded. He wouldn't be nervous would he? "I really only want to be in there with you. You're the only one I trust." I nodded. I felt the exact same way.

"Having allies that aren't the Careers is going to be different. But at least Katniss is talented, so are Finnick and Johanna."

"Finnick still bothers me though, he's the only one that would put up a decent fight," He said. I nodded.

"There's always someone that's going to be a threat," I said and ran my fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and gave out a groan. "We just have to find out his weakness and push it to the back of our heads." He opened his eyes to look at me.

"If this is going to turn into something sketchy, Kat, I want to leave."

"Me too." I ran my fingers down the sides of his face, tracing along the edge of his jaw. I watched his eyes dart down to my lips and back up to my eyes. "Are you scared?"

"No," He said truthfully. "You shouldn't be either." I nodded. I bit the inside of my lip.

"When did you decide you could trust me?" I asked thinking about what he said before. He tilted his head in confusion.

"I've always trusted you Kat."

"This time you only want to be with me though."

"So I can ensure your protection." I nodded and closed my eyes. His hand rested on the side of my face and his thumb rubbed my cheek. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." His voice was so quiet I wasn't sure if it actually came out of his mouth. I opened my eyes slowly to see that he moved closer and was looking at every part of my face. His blue eyes finally returned back to mine.

Every word he says makes my stomach do flips. He's making me fall back in love with him. This is the Cato I used to love. Not the cold hearted Cato I met in the games. I'm afraid that once we go back in there, the cold Cato will come back out. And we'll have problems once again.

"I'd go crazy if I lost you too." We were so close that I could feel his breath on my lips. It sucks that we have to have this talk with each other, about losing each other again. I've been here too many times, usually this leads to meaningless sex where he would get up and leave after.

This time I know it's different.

His hand that was still rubbing my cheek moved to my chin and finally his lips crashed onto mine. The kiss was passionate, and our lips moved together in sync. This kiss was different than the others. It's like this is his way of letting me in to see everything under his hard skin. My hands found themselves in his hair and I pulled harshly at the ends. He aggressively pulled me on top of him not bothering to break the kiss in the process. We haven't done this in forever, I was starting to think he didn't want to anymore.

My hands rested on his bare chest as I dug my hips into his. He moaned, very loudly, and wrapped his arms around my waist tightly. He was so rough but gentle at the same time. I pealed my shirt off and felt him kiss my stomach as my arms were in the air.

His hands found his way to the back of my bra. His eyes searched mine to see any type of regret. Eventually he just unclipped it anyway and he flipped me over so my back was on the bed. His mouth trailed down my body slowly. He came back up as he fiddled with the string on his shorts.

"Is this okay?" he asked as he slid them off.

"Why wouldn't it be?" He shrugged.

"This time is different then before."

"It's okay Cato," I said. He nodded and climbed on top of me.

"I care about you so much Kat," he whispered in my ear. Maybe that was his I love you. Who knows if he'll ever be able to say it back.

"I care about you too," I said. I wanted to eventually say I love you, I did. But I know he would just say that he knows I do back. I really don't want to be embarrassed right now. We're not even dating. I'm not complaining, it's for the best we aren't.

"You're sure you're okay with this?" I pulled him back down harshly in response. My lips met his again as he pulled down his boxer briefs.

This was our last night alone together, maybe even forever.