Leap of Faith

23:40

Trust him to ask the questions that I can’t answer.

“Undecided,” I admit, biting on my lower lip so that I can’t ruin this moment. “Next question.”

“What are you most scared of?”

Everything. I am scared of everything. I have acrophobia. I have entophobia. And, let’s add ornithophobia to the list too. Heights, arthropods and birds are not my friends. I once freaked out over a ladybug and to this day Georgie has never let me forget it. Every time she sees one she just has to show me. My head tells me to run away, but it also tells me to stay completely still so I can’t run away. Stupid girl logic.

Those phobias are all superficial, I know. Superficial and irrational. But there’s one thing I’ve always been terrified of more, and that was having my heart broken. Trusting someone else and giving them my heart, hoping that they would keep it safe and protected. Love, basically. I was scared of love.

“Ladybugs,” I lie, before remembering that this was a no-holds barred, take it or leave it conversation. “And love.”

“You’re scared of love?” He snorts, sounding skeptical. “Is it because that jerk broke your heart? Want me to take him out for you? Give me the word, and I totally will, you know.”

"Haha,” I mimic, hoping that he was just joking. “No, it isn’t because of him, or at least not entirely because of him. When I was younger, I saw how my sister got her heart broken and it was devastating. She really loved that guy and he broke her. I swear she’s never been the same since. First love messes you up.”

"Is that what you are?” Worry fills his words. “Messed up?”

Am I? If I thought about this thoroughly, could I honestly sit here and say that my break up with Adam had truly affected me? I knew I had run away from him, and that my heart was slightly in pieces, but I wasn’t messed up. I was angry and humiliated, sure. I try to compare myself to my sister, Libby, and realize that I wasn’t feeling that utter loss that she had felt. Not even close.

“No,” I answer honestly. “No, I’m not messed up.”

“Really?” He doesn’t believe me. “So you’re hiding in here because of a guy that didn’t mess you up? I call bullshit on that.”

“I’m irrational, not messed up,” I explain. “He and I dated for a few months and then I found out he was cheating on me. Since we broke up I’ve had time to think, and being in here with you, I’ve had even more time to think. I wasn’t heartbroken. Furious and embarrassed, yes. I guess that’s why love still scares me, because if he could make me feel like this, imagine what it would be like with a guy that I really loved?”

“You’re confusing me.” Theo laughs that laugh that makes me smile.

“I’m confusing myself.”