Leap of Faith

23:45

Someone was slapping my face.

And it stung like a bitch.

I swatted the hand as it came to blow down on me again. “Quit it,” I grumbled.

“Oh, thank God,” Theo’s voice sounded relieved as he brought his forehead down to meet mine. “You scared the shit out of me, Catherine. I thought you were going to die.”

“Melodramatic much?” I try to lighten the mood, but from the way Theo’s body is tense against mine, I thought better than to try my hand at humor again. Then I realized where I was. Not in the closet, per se, but held tightly in Theo’s arms as we were crumpled on the floor. “Why am I sitting on your lap?”

“Oh,” Theo snaps out of his preoccupation enough to have the decency to shift me from him groin. “I-I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”

If there was anyone who should be sorry, then I’m pretty sure I was the one that was meant to apologize.

"Do a lot of girls spaz out on you like that, or am I the first?”

Silence, and then comes the serious tone. “Don’t joke about it, Catherine.” More silence, and then more seriousness. “You were out for like a minute and there was nothing I could do to help you. Do you know what that feels like? Jesus.”

I had scared him.

As far as many people knew, that day almost ten years ago has been the only time I’ve had a panic attack, but I know differently. I know that whenever I’m around new people, in unexpected and unfamiliar situations or if there’s something that I can’t control, my body starts to betray me.

“It’s called SAD,” I admit the one thing that would really push any sane person away. “Social Anxiety Disorder. Maybe I should have added that to the list of phobias earlier. I’m sorry.”

Silence.

“Theo,” I reach out to him in the darkness, my palm finding his cheek as I cradle his face in my hand. “I’m sorry.”

Silence.

I slowly realize that this is the point where Theo has finally seen the true me, and he doesn’t like it a single bit. This is what I was scared of, that once people saw who I truly am then they too would turn their backs on me. I’d tried to tell myself over and over again that I was just being stupid and that no-one would care that I’m different, but I had been lying to myself. Of course, they would see me as a freak. I knew that deep down inside, but witnessing Theo’s reaction drilled it home to me. I wasn’t like the other girls.