Fighter | The Hunger Games

Chapter Seventeen

I was hallucinating.

"No!" I cried over and over again until my voice grew hoarse. My body was far too numb and too weak to move from the cold rock ground. "No!" I yelled in agony as the image of Mason falling to his death replayed over and over again in my mind. Each time the image grew more powerful, more real. I felt as if I couldn't escape; Mason's death haunted me to my core. 

The night was beginning to blur into a mass of darkness while the storm continued to crash over me. Every inch of my body was exhausted; I could hardly muster enough energy to move one pinky finger. The only thing I could feel was the rain roar overhead and the thunder clap in the distance. Besides that I was drained to my very bones. My thoughts were incoherent and scattered, scattered enough that I was unable clearly process the fact that I could die- especially with the extent of my injuries and the harsh environment surrounding me. Whether I knew it or not I was now fighting to survive. 

My eyelids fluttered closed but danced with images of Mason: Mason at the reaping, Mason in the train, Mason at the parade, Mason, Mason, Mason. I was grieving and I was hurt. 

He betrayed me. Out of anything, that word stung the worst. Betrayal. There was a point in my life where I trusted Mason, even considering him to be a friend. After all he was my district partner, he was the one person that was supposed to understand me. Never did I view Mason as an enemy. I always assumed that in the Games we would have some sort of alliance. Maybe not an explicit alliance but at least the decency to refrain from murdering each other. 

I think Mason's words spoke louder than his actions. Inside my foggy mind Mason's words echoed nonstop. "Didn't you wonder why Jace and the others only cared about me? They knew I would win. They just pitied you." He would never know the pain those words caused me.  He would never understand my deepest insecurities or my tireless doubts. My fear had been the same since the day I was chosen for the Hunger Games; I did not want to be a pawn. I did not want to be used. I never believed I could win. I originally wanted to throw myself off the platform and die on my own terms.

But Mason's words exposed the self doubt I had tried so hard to quench. He was right. I was stupid to believe that anyone actually thought I could win. I guess I was nothing more than the relatively pretty girl from Seven, and as much as I tried to persuade myself otherwise I couldn't help but wonder if Jace saw me that way too. 

Tears fell from my eyes and I quickly realized that this wasn't about Mason's betrayal. It was about the one good thing that had happened to me since being selected for the 23rd Annual Hunger Games. It was Jace. He was the only real thing I had left to cling onto. He was the only thing besides my family that motivated me to win.  I wanted more than anything for him to be here right now, for him to tell me that Mason was wrong. I am more than just another girl.  I am everything.

Jace was not next to me. He was far, far away possibly watching me through a screen. Was he worried? Sad? Angry? None of it mattered to me. None of it. Because at the end of the day I was still laying here alone all by myself with nothing but the wind and rain and thunder. 

My hand brushed lightly over the puddle I was laying in. The water felt cold on my fingertips. I inhaled shakily and attempted to lift my head to no avail. A sharp pain shot down my neck and traveled to my toes. I tried to open my mouth but there was no one to talk to. I tried to open my eyes but there was nothing to see. Eventually I accepted defeat and laid my head down. My left arm was throbbing from the deep cut Mason had given me with his arrow. I clutched my hand over it to prevent myself from losing more blood and passed out.

I was in a happy place now. One where I was no longer cold and alone. One where I didn't feel anything. An ideal world. There were no people,  no government, no Hunger Games. I was running through a meadow with rabbits, deer, birds, and I felt warm. The sun filtered through gorgeous autumn leaves and I was wearing a beautiful red sundress. I was okay.