For Him...??

For Him...?? (Chapter - 11)

Saanvika's POV

I reached Nagpur a few hours back, ma called babachu and kishan chachu who lives in Nagpur as well to discuss about the whole marriage thing and how to talk to them...... I simply sat there working in my laptop responding to them when I was asked which is may be once or twice in 4 hours of continuous discussion....... They are deciding to get me married in the next two months as it's the auspicious time for marriage and also I'm already 26 and they don't want to wait till I step into my 27th year, their words, not mine...... I am not dumb to not understand what ma is doing...... She purposely called babachu and kishan chachu so that I stay shut through out the conversation....... Though I converse freely with my chachus mainly with babachu, I don't like to oppose them or their opinions...... I see some similarities between my chachus and papa which always make me respect and obey them...... With them deciding my marriage dates, I sat there like a rock thinking everything happening in my life contrary to my imagination....... After the discussion, mostly them discussing and me silently listening, babachu and kishan chachu left to their place and I went to my room after having food..... Bhai and ma are very happy and seeing them so happy, a tinge of happiness and pride crept into my heart with a wave of my unpleasant past hitting me like a volcano....... I took out my diary and started penning my pain in it...... I don't wanna share it with any living being and make my family or myself look like a monster in their eyes, so I write it down in my diary every time......

Papa's demise was a game changer in our lives, it led to our (me and bhai) complete transformation, he(bhai) who was an irresponsible, rebellious, aggressive teenager became a very responsible son who tried to look after his shattered family whereas I, who was a sweet, soft, very very sensitive, emotional, immature child who, till then saw her world hiding in her father's arms became a strong, mature, emotionless girl who is still soft and sweet to the whole world except for her loved ones......

Till today, I really don't understand what made me like this, is it the lack of papa's presence in my life or the situations a 12-year-old- fatherless me faced...... The things I experienced after my papa are some of the worst things of my life...... Papa's demise had made me phobic of losing someone..... And in order to protect myself from that, I distanced myself from my ma whom I love the most after my papa and 'nani', yes I love my nani more than my 'ma', if she wasn't there, then I don't know where would we be...... She stayed with us for 3 years after papa and looked after us like her own children...... From childhood, I was close to my nani(maternal grand mother) but Papa's demise got us closer...... I knew by then that I got very attached to nani and couldn't pull myself away from her but the rest all was in my hands, so I pulled myself away from ma and acted as if I didn't care about her...... She used to cry remembering papa sometimes but I never consoled her, all I did is to stare at her with a stoic face from a distance or acted as if I was watching my phone or PC putting my headphones, I heard my Ma's sobs, her bitter words filled with pain saying how cruel I was to not care for her, saying how monstrous I was, I used to hear everything but all I did is to sit like a rock...... I wanted to go and hug her, assure her everything will be alright, but my legs wouldn't move, my heart used to bleed seeing her tear-filled eyes but my face remained devoid of any emotions, It's like my subconscious acted out itself to protect me from another trauma but none understood this except for siri di...... 

On seeing my behavior with ma, bhai started hating me, we used to have ugly fights and at the end, he used to scream at me, frighten me and say some very mean and ugly things implying how selfish I was and all of that sort leaving me all broken..... And the best part is yet to come, he would stop talking to me for months and sometimes years too after our every fight and look at me with disgust whenever I came in front of him..... I too didn't try to talk to him as his words used to hurt my self-respect a lot...... But in the end, after a few months or years, I used to give up and talk to him unable to bear his silence as I love him a lot, much more than he could imagine...... I don't say that I was a saint, yes I too used to back-answer him arrogantly at the beginning which triggered his male ego and dominant side but once he raises his voice, I used to shut my mouth but that wouldn't stop him, he would go on and on with his words until the other person that is 'me' is completely broken......