Spiraling

Chapter 1

You reached on the wooden table in front of you to grab your phone, wondering who could be sending you a text as you knew the rest of the team was probably sleeping, that case really took out a lot in all of you. It was Spencer.

IQof187: Hey, sorry for the relatively late text but I got back from the airport a few hours ago and I was wondering if I could come over to watch a film? I found a great new one you might be interested in so I thought we could watch it together?

A bit surprised by his request and his slight boldness you quickly typed:

Y/n: yes of course :) hope you're not too tired though we could always watch another time

IQof187: Great! See you in 20

You smiled and turned off your phone, letting it drop on the couch. He was such a sweet person, you couldn't help not liking him, it came naturally. Slowly getting up, you walked over to the bathroom just to be met with the mess that was your hair. Your bun had fallen to the side of your head with baby hairs standing up all around your head, as if you got electrocuted. The mascara you had on from last night was clinging to your eyelashes, clumping them together as small flakes of it laid on your eye bags. Unbothered, you just pulled a makeup wipe from the packet on the counter and wiped it off, applying some new mascara after. You brushed your fingers through your hair, trying to tame it and decided to just pull it up in a ponytail, it was still somewhat damp from your earlier shower, but you just figured it would dry soon enough.

Moving into the bedroom, you decided perhaps you should put on one of your bralettes and some comfortable shorts. You didn't think it was necessarily appropriate to greet your friend in a big t-shirt and no bra or pants, he had seen you like this probably once or twice by accident, but so has Emily and JJ in the various hotel rooms that you had stayed in for cases.

Being in the BAU was odd, you just never imagined you would be able to get this job; it always seemed like an unattainable goal. Sometimes, you felt as if you were an impostor, not really being sure that you should be in this position, there were probably many people better than you, maybe they just made a mistake hiring you, a paperwork error, and somehow you managed to slither yourself into the team even if you didn't really feel qualified. You always thought you would, realistically, do a research job because of your doctorates, not this.

Sitting back to your comfy couch, you eagerly waited for Spencer to arrive, still smiling. "Why does he have such an effect on me?" you thought out loud, trying to profile yourself. Did you want to open this black box once more? No. It was too complicated, and last time you did you cried uncontrollably, and Emily had to comfort you, maybe not the best time for that to happen now as she wasn't even here to calm you down. You hated him for doing that to you and yourself for letting your emotions overwhelm you. He didn't do anything- just existed- and was kind, smart, funny...

The doorbell rang snapping you out of your thoughts.

You opened the door, and the tall, lanky man greeted you with a small wave and a smile.

"Hey!"

"Hi Spence! Come in, we can order some food if you want I don't really have anything ready. Sorry for the mess, I wasn't really expecting anyone today."

"Don't worry y/n you should see my apartment, it looks like a tornado went straight through it."

You lightly chuckled and he followed you to the sofa.

The movie was not what you expected, it hit a bit too close to home. Your dad had died of substance abuse, and you have gone through your fair share of pills and powders in your life. It was just the movie bringing back all those memories you thought you had forgotten. You tried dissociating, trying to think of anything else, like Spencer's hands or his chocolate-brown eyes behind his glasses that were focused on the movie, absorbing every single frame and piece of information. You wondered how his brain worked, it was so different than anyone you've ever met. Along with his IQ of 187, he could probably read your brain too and he turned his head away from the movie to look at you.

"Is something wrong y/n?"

Your cheeks blushed and you could feel water pooling in your eyes, as the memories flooded your brain once again.

"Just a bit out of it tonight, I'm sorry."

He paused the movie and quickly replied, "There's nothing to be sorry about, is something wrong? Do you not like the movie? We can choose another one if you want I'm sure there are many more lighthearted ones, perhaps a Tim Burton one? You mentioned he was your favorite. Or you could choose anything you want."

I stared at him blankly.

"Did something happen?"

"I-"

What are you supposed to say? By the way, I just remembered some of the most traumatic memories in my life I so desperately forced myself to forget and I am kind of in love with you but refuse to admit it because I am deathly afraid of what might happen? Or maybe, even better, Hey Spence! You should probably stop talking to me before I sabotage another relationship because I can't stand anyone seeing me like this?

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," you said matter-of-factly.

"We are profilers y/n, I know something is going on, please I can help."

You pondered. Should you just pull the plug and let that wall down? You didn't know. The way he looked at you with those sad eyes, you felt as if he stabbed a knife in your abdomen.

Before your mind was able to make a decision, your body made it for you. You started to cry, why does this always happen when someone asks you if you are okay?

He pulled you to his side of the couch into his wool sweater. It was so soft, softer than any pillow you had. His hug was warm and sweet, him smelling of pine trees and sandalwood, while his one hand carefully caressed your hair and his other drawing circles on your shoulder with his thumb. It was comforting, knowing someone was there for you, knowing he was there.

"It's okay, it's going to be okay," he said with a slight pain in his voice.

"I- I'm sorry," you whispered, sniffling between your sobs. You hated the fact that you were so vulnerable but you couldn't help it- it's like everything just came rushing out of you, all those pent-up emotions that you didn't know where they were even coming from. You felt he didn't deserve this, he wasn't your therapist, he was your friend, which made you sob even more.

"Here, drink some water it will make you feel better," he passed you a glass and you gulped some of it down. Getting a towel with some warm water from the sink, he plopped back to the couch facing you and tried to wipe away your running mascara. His expression hurt you the most- it was painted by a mixture of confusion and hurt. You didn't want him to feel like this because of you, it wasn't fair to him.

"Oh god, I'm a mess. I'm really sorry for this, I know you just wanted to see a movie and I ruined it I'm sorry I just don't know what got into me. I will get you a new sweater too I promise."

"Hey, this isn't your fault. I probably shouldn't have put a movie about addiction, to be fair, not a very fun topic. Don't worry about the sweater I didn't care much for it anyways, and the stain gives it an... artistic edge," he chuckled.

"Thank you, Spence, and any way I can make it up to you, just name the time and place and I will."

"If at any time you feel ready to talk about this, then I am here, you don't need anything to make up, that's what friends are for."

So, you decided to pull the plug. You already cried in front of him, you were a complete mess, you didn't have anything to lose. You told him everything- from what you could remember of your childhood, to the nightmares that you sometimes get, to when your mom abandoned you and your dad overdosed.About your own substance-related problems and you talked and talked while he listened. He told you some of his own stories too, how he got hooked on dilaudid because of his kidnapping, his dad leaving, his mom suffering from schizophrenia and how she was getting worse. It was in a sense freeing to talk about these things with someone that listened and tried to understand. At the end of the night both of you had passed out on the couch, hugging each other.The dreading thought came into your head- what happens now?