Spiraling

Chapter 7

It had been a week since that kiss. And god how you missed him.

The team had been away this week as they were called on an urgent case in LA. Four high school girls- three of them already dead in the span of three weeks and the fourth one missing. You had stayed back as you weren't cleared to be in the field yet, apparently your cuts were deeper than you thought, tearing  some of the ligaments on your knee. 

That kiss was a bittersweet memory for you. It finally happened after you pondering over your feelings over Spencer, trying to deny them as best you could or just completely avoiding them, and finally you knew he felt the same way. But what he said did hurt you, he was right, you were slowly digging your own grave.

And that hit you hard.

As much as you wanted him, and he wanted you, you couldn't stand seeing him hurt over you. You felt terrible, like your world was slowly crumbling into pieces. The only person in your life that ever said they loved you, you were hurting them the most. And that took you to an even worse direction. The painkillers.

One took away the pain in your leg, the other two just made your everyday bearable, comfortably numb to whatever you were dealing with in the present moment. He didn't know of course, he was away. And neither did you want him to know. You saw his face when you broke down in front of him, concerned and hurt. Why was this so hard? You didn't want to let him down, but you did and you just couldn't stop. It was like an unbreakable cycle of guilt and pain. Everywhere you went, that's what you felt like you brought to other people that walked past the walls that you had built around you. 

That night should have never happened. That kiss should have never happened. 

What have I done?  you thought to yourself.

You were lying on your bed, darkness all around you just lost in your thoughts. You had to make your own pain stop, but in order to do that you were causing somebody else's indirectly. 

You cried yourself to sleep that night and when you walked into the office in the morning, Spencer was there with that big goofy smile on his face right as you walked in. The case had gone well and he was finally happy to see you after a long week. 

Guilt rushed over every inch of your body as you talked to him, smiling at his comments and making witty banter. You were pretending, and being good at it, too good. Your own actions disgusted you.

Spencer noticed the slight red hue in your eyes as you were about to leave his desk.

"Hey y/n did you sleep last night? You look a bit more tired than usual," he said with a quizzical expression.

"Couldn't sleep, I couldn't wait to see you today!" you lied. 

You kissed him on the cheek and walked over to the bathroom, feeling like you were going to vomit or pass out from the guilt, your stomach being squeezed by an invisible rope. To make matters worse, you took another painkiller while inside the stall, at least it washed away the guilt for a short amount of time.