Somewhere Else

Chapter 11: The Only Way Is Out (ii)

Gabi had said, before they left, that I could call them if things went south. She probably hadn't expected that it would happen right after they entered the departure gate. Knowing they were on the plane, I hadn't bothered to call.

But now that I'm settled in at Tatiana's, I tap off a quick update in the group chat.

My phone rings almost immediately.

Tessa is on the other end of the line. "Are you okay?" she demands. "You're on speakerphone, by the way. Gabi is with me."

"Hi guys," I say. My voice comes out a little scratchy from all the wailing and ranting I did earlier.

Tessa pounces on it immediately. "You don't sound okay," she says.

"I was crying," I say flatly, but I laugh. "It's okay, Tatiana was with me." They've never met Tatiana, but they know who she is. I've mentioned her a lot while back in Hamburg. "I'm at her place now, in Tampere. It's about three hours from Helsinki."

"Are you coming back?" Gabi asks.

"Why don't you fly back?" This comes from Tessa, a slight rephrasing of Gabi's original question.

I take a deep breath. They're right. It makes no sense that I'm still in Finland after what Aksel said. But still...

"I don't know," I say in response to Gabi's question. Or maybe it's to both their questions. I don't know why I've stayed. "I guess I just wanted to visit Tatiana as well. I've never come to Tampere."

"Hm." Tessa sounds like she doesn't fully believe me.

"We're worried about you," Gabi says.

"Don't be," I say, even though I know it's a futile plea. They will always be worried about me as long as they know I'm not okay. "I'm fine here. I'm with Tatiana, anyway."

"How long are you staying?" Tessa wants to know.

I shrug out of habit, even though I know they can't see me. "I don't know. I can't impose on her for too long, I guess. But I just need some time to myself for now." If I go back to Hamburg, I'll be swamped with well-meaning friends and family. I miss them, but I don't know if I'm up to it for now.

"Time to lick your wounds in private," Gabi guesses, and is spot on. I can almost hear her nodding through the phone. "I get it."

"Well, I don't," Tessa says, sounding disgruntled. "I wish you were back home already."

Home. I know she doesn't mean to, but the fact that Tessa uses this word to refer to Hamburg serves to ram it into my mind, once again, that I don't belong in Helsinki. It was never truly home for me.

If it had been, I wouldn't be thinking of leaving now that things with Aksel have fallen apart, would I? The old adage rings true: you always return home in times of crisis. Home, for me, is obviously not Helsinki.

***

Tatiana disagrees.

"You didn't run home, wherever that is for you now," she points out. "You came here – to Tampere. You stayed in Finland, even though you claim to hate it here. What does that say, then?"

We're having dinner together that night, and I've just told her about the realisation that's dropped in my lap during my conversation with Gabi and Tessa. Tatiana has cooked Spaghetti Bolognese with some Swedish meatballs from a can, and she is twirling a few strands of pasta around her fork as she says this.

"That's different," I say over a mouthful of spaghetti. I stop to lick away the tomato sauce that's smeared onto the corners of my mouth. "This is really good, by the way."