Somewhere Else

Chapter 17: Don't Look Back Like It's Over Now

"It's never easy," Mama says softly. "Moving somewhere completely foreign, getting used to the lifestyle, the language, the traditions... and finding out that everything you've been doing all your life is wrong over here. It's never easy."

Her experiences all sound so familiar to me. With a pang, I realise that, had I paid more attention, had I spoken to her more during my stay with Aksel, had the support of someone who also understands how it feels to be foreign, things might have been different.

Mama is still speaking, eyes lit with a fondness that comes with reflecting on the past. "And when you have children... You sometimes feel even more out of the loop, because even your children can speak the language better than you ever will."

She laughs, but a sharp flash of a memory has struck me – an image of me as a rowdy child, running ahead of my mother, turning back to shout disdainfully, "Don't tell me what to do, you can't even speak German properly!"

For a moment, I am lost for words. The heart-wrenching guilt is choking up my windpipe.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Mama watches me out of the screen, but she doesn't ask what I'm apologising for. Maybe the same scene has just flashed through her mind as well – or maybe there are others that I don't even remember. She simply smiles.

"It's all part of growing up," she says. "Kids say the darndest things sometimes, but if, as a parent, you held it against them... It just doesn't work."

"I didn't know," I say, still hurting from the guilt of my memory. "I wish I had. But I understand better now."

"I know you do, sweetheart. I wish you didn't have to, but I know you do."

"It was probably harder for you than me," I admit. "At least I'm still in Europe. You had to move so much further away, and to a completely different culture as well."

"It was hard," Mama says softly.

So comes the question that has been tumbling through my mind since I landed in Helsinki. "Why did you do it, then?"

Mama looks straight out of the screen at me, smiling slightly. "Because it's all worth it," she says simply.

I look away, pressing my lips together. "How do you know it's worth it?" I don't mean it to, but my voice comes out with a tremor that my mother picks up on right away.

"Oh, Emi," she sighs, in the way only mothers can. "It's worth it when you look back and realise that the good times were more than the bad – that, in retrospect, even though you knew about all the challenges that awaited you... you would gladly do it all over again."

I'm silent after this. If I looked back on my time in Helsinki with Aksel... Had it been worth it? Would I have done it all over again?

My heart aches with an intensity that surprises me.

As usual, Mama seems to read my mind. "Do you regret your decision to move?"

I look down at the table, staring at the smooth surface of the wood. I don't reply.

But I think I have my answer.

***

"Our last weekend together," Priscilla says mournfully. "I wish you didn't have to leave."

I laugh at her petulance, shaking my head. "You make it sound like I'm leaving the country or something. I'm just moving out. You'll still see me in class every day."

She huffs, throwing an arm around me, squeezing like a koala bear clinging to its mama. "Don't leave me all alone."

I loop my arm around her waist, squeezing her back in a sideways hug. "Oh, come on," I say, "I'm not leaving you alone. It's not our last weekend together. We're still going to meet and hang out all the time."