The Cold Mask

Chapter 22

Noah pov

I sighed and laid next to her and hugged her side way and put her head on my chest

"Is that ok?" I asked because it was the first time we made this type of contact excluding the 2 times we hugged 

She nodded her head but didn't look at me

"What look you don't want to see, I clearly see you the same way of course it made everything different or in better words.... clear"

I said to her trying to make her understand that I didn't have a problem with her illness

"There is 3 person who knew the truth, Mario, Rose and Dr.Cristiano. Mario and Rose held in there eyes..... I just...I didn't" she clearly was struggling to tell me about her feelings and I was more clueless about what to do

She sighed deeply and looked at me
"I need the bleu notebook I always have with me" she said making me confused as heck

Didn't she want to tell me anything?

But nonetheless I got up and went towards her jacket she wore , she always no matter what she is wearing have this notebook  on her

What does it contain?

I gave it to her and remained standing she took it but still looked into my eyes without braking the eye contact

I raised my eyebrow not understanding what she wanted

She looked at the spot next to her where I was sitting  a moment ago and then looked at me once again

I chuckled and my heart flipped a bit she want me to sit next to her

So of course like the good man I am I did just that

My heart stopped completely when she leaned on me without me pulling her like the first time

My smile widened and I was sure if someone was about to come in he will think I am crazy

She opened the notebook and begin to talk
"Dr. Cristiano and I came up with a way to know the feelings in a common way like you do , in the first I became to understand my feelings and express them in chemistry and hormones and that took me 7 years and more.

This book relate chemistry and the words that people like you understand, like now I am feeling an excess hormone in dopamine because I am in your arms and in your way" she flipped the pages until she stopped at one word "happiness"

My stomach and heart made a flip and I was so happy if someone was to see her face he would think I am forcing her to hug me and she doesn't want that

But to know that she is happy made me return the feeling

And to be honest I started understanding her illness better

I kissed her forehead and she re-begin to talk "Mario and Rose have in there eyes" she searched in her book "pity and I don't " she searched more "like it"

My heart clenched because I never realised I was too oblivious and I am sure that neither her father nor Rose even knew it

Nothing was clear

"Are you born with Alexithymia?" I finally blurted out wanting to know so badly she replied without hesitation 

"No it was caused by PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)"

Like always her response was straight without telling too much but now I knew better

Not that she didn't like talking and is rude she didn't understand the silence questions nor the feelings the other person is experiencing