Pain Without Love (Complete)

9- Vanilla Sex

It had been 2 days and Shawn hadn't slept, he'd barely eaten and was yet to face another living soul.

He couldn't step outside of his apartment, couldn't bare to face anyone he knew in case they could see it in his eyes, the person he had become that night, the animal she had unleashed

Of course everyone had been very sympathetic, assuming his recent break up was to blame for his sudden withdrawal but in all honesty he had barely given it a second thought. His mind had instead been plagued by memories of that night, the night he had thrown everything he knew of himself in to the fire

The things he had said, the things he had done, how easily he had slipped from a gentleman to an animal, blind to everything but lust and desire had shaken him. He looked in the mirror and struggled to know himself, who he was, what he stood for

He'd handled a woman in away he never thought he could, said things he never thought he would, he had wanted her and taken her... The sound of her back hitting hard against the wooden door filled him with both horror and a primal desire to do it again.

Over the course of the 2 days he had received 1 missed call from Mila and true to her word, she didn't text and because Shawn couldn't decide whether he want to scream at her, fuck her or cry at her feet he hadn't returned the call and had then finally decided to delete her number telling himself he would pretend he had never met her, never felt her hands or mouth on him, never felt the 'everything' she so easily made him feel, never unleashed the beast that he had become that night.

God, he felt so lost in his own mind, so adrift of everything he knew. He needed to steady himself, prove to himself that he hadn't changed beyond recognition, he was still the same Shawn that he had been before he stepped foot in to that club and before he and Mila had collided

That's why just a couple of hours earlier he had decided to take a shower, put on the outfit that gained him maximum female attention when ever he went out and was now sat in a bar downtown, nursing a glass of merlot.

Oliviana's was the last place he would usually spend his time, it was upmarket and filled with the sound of classical music and the clinking of champagne glasses. It was where well to do good girls went for dinner and drinks after work and after everything he had seen and felt that week all he wanted was to meet a 'good' girl to have vanilla sex with and prove to himself that he was still a good man, still a gentleman that could treat women well and be a generous, gentle lover.

Within the first half an hour Shawn had been approached by 3 girls, all of which he had turned down.

The first was a beautiful Latina, who had whispered her greeting into his neck, unfortunately when he turned to speak to her the dark hair and eyes he was met with reminded him too much of Mila.

The second girl was a petite blond but she wore the same fragrance he had made Mila scrub from her body 2 nights ago and the smell provoked too many memories and emotions in him.

Girl number 3 was headed straight to his bedroom until he asked her for her name. Milani, MILA-ni

'Fuck!'

It was as though she was everywhere and nowhere all at once. She was in his head, on his skin, on his tongue and they hadn't even kissed. Vanilla sex, he hadn't even heard of the term before Mila used it and now here he was hunting it down, totally convinced of its power to wash him clean.

Finally he had found her. A blond with eyes the colour of Caribbean waters. Average height for a woman, average weight, wearing a cream maxi dress and looking pretty much as 'vanilla' as any woman could look.

When he had approached her she had been eager for his company and when he had kissed her that eagerness was amplified with her practically dragging him back to her apartment.

It had all worked out perfectly and far easier than he had planned.

So why was it that he was now lying on a bed with this girl moving above him and feeling...nothing

He had taken his time, undressed her, kissed her, told her all the right things, asked for her preferences and when she had requested him on top it was almost as though she had known his plan but just a few minutes in to things he had been struggling to stay focused, struggling to stay hard.

The girl had been embarrassed, blaming herself she had asked to take the lead and he had agreed, hoping the sight of her above him would kick start his libido but he just couldn't kick the feeling that he was committing the same act against this girl that Mila had asked him to commit against her.

He was hurting her, not physically but emotionally, he was using her body purely for his own selfish reasons

He had nothing to give this girl, not even 1 night of pleasure and that only added to his anguish.

Lifting the girl from him gently he gave his heartfelt apologies, made his excuses, held her when she cried and then dressed and left feeling more disgusting and less gentleman like than he had ever felt in his life

Vanilla sex hadn't cleansed him the way he had prayed it would, it had only dirtied him more

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