Pain Without Love (Complete)

28- The Fight Inside

Mila sat at her dressing table and watched as her reflection cried.

She had a date with Shawn in two hours and as she had begun to prepare she had been hit by the most agonising wave of loneliness when 'lonely' was not an emotion she ever remembered feeling

A date...

She had never been on a proper 'date' in her life. She had only ever had one proper boyfriend- Brent and the closest to a date they had ever come was when he used to pick her up from school and drive around looking for somewhere to have sex, somewhere they wouldn't be caught.

She didn't know where Shawn was taking her, he just said to dress 'nice' but Mila did 'nice' just about as well as she did 'dates' and that was not at all.

Wiping her eyes she was surprised to find how calm she felt at the sight of her tears.

Usually when weakness dripped wet down her face she replaced it with red hot rage and then usually sex or Brent but today she just watched, the gaping hole in her chest wide open and raw, her soul crying out for someone to come and rescue her from herself, her head telling her not to let that person be Shawn

The excitement she had felt when she started preparing for her date was long forgotten as she sat deathly still as a storm of emotions swirled around her

It had been 'Camila' Shawn had invited on a date, but she didn't know how Camila dressed, didn't know how she wore her hair or liked her makeup, for so long she had put on her 'Mila' costume, worn it like a suit of armour to protect her from the world and everyone in it.

Then came the realization that she had absolutely no one she could call for advice, no friends, no sister and a mother that was the cause of every insecurity she had about herself.

She sniffed loudly at the thought of telling her mother about Shawn, Cassandra would tell him to run for the hills and she would be right, why he kept coming for her she had no idea, she had nothing to offer other than her body and he had already had that but still he came back, still he wanted more from her, the tears ran heavier as she realised she had nothing more to give him, she was nothing more than a bad attitude and a hell of a good fuck

She should have said no when he asked her out, told him it was a stupid idea, called him names and taunted him until he left but like a giddy schoolgirl she'd said yes and then she'd spent the morning fantasizing about how amazing she would look and how she would knock him off his feet with her witty personality and they would eat and laugh like every other couple in there and how maybe he might just be the guy to wake up with in her bedroom one day

Slamming her fist down on to the dresser top she attempted to push those silly thoughts as far from her mind as possible before again wiping her eyes with her sleeve and dialing Shawn's number.

He picked up after two rings, his voice light and tinged with excitement. She hardened her tone and told him she was canceling but he just laughed at her and told her not to be such a wimp, she said she didn't want to go, he told her she did she was just afraid she would have a good time, she told him she hated him, he said he would pick her up at 6. She hung up, furious with him promising that she would delete his number and he text her an emoji blowing her a kiss.

God she hated him but wanted him, wanted to know him but so desperate to forget him

She wasn't sure how he had got so far under her skin, how she hadn't managed to scare him off before it got this far. He wanted to meet Camila but the truth was she didn't know if Camila even existed anymore or whether she had been completely consumed by the monster that was Mila.

Mila going out was easy, pouf the hair, or straighten it to within an inch of its life, plaster on the makeup, the fake eyelashes, wear something tight, low cut, as short as possible. The aim was simple, attention. Find her target, get his attention, go in for the kill but tonight was different, she knew her target, had his attention she just wasn't sure what to do with it.

Moving to her wardrobe she pushed through the hangers of clothing, hating the fact she felt so indecisive and insecure. She had spent years hardening herself, being as tough as was humanly possible and in a short period of time Shawn was dismantling her and worse than that, she liked it, wanted it but was terrified of it.

Pulling out a pale pink long sleeves crop top she didn't remember ever buying she rummaged at the bottom of her wardrobe until she found a denim skirt, a pair of white converse were thrown on to the bed with the outfit that looked so unfamiliar to her. It looked like the outfit of a young woman, not the outfit of a man eater and she couldn't help but smile at that thought.

Looking to the mirror she saw her hair had dried in its naturally tight curls and she liked it so she put on the outfit, spritzed her hair and put on a light layer of foundation and coat of mascara and then glossed her lips.

Staring at herself in the mirror once more she couldn't help the heat that flooded her chest, she looked so different but so good, so young and carefree.

Allowing the smile to overcome her lips she bit down and then shook her head in disbelief

"Hi Camila" She whispered "It's been a long time"

*please vote and comment