Just Me Again.

42: I Love You So Freaking Much

MARIA WAYNE

I was left alone in his office as he just walked away. I sat on the couch and lose my crutches as they fell on the floor. My breathing felt restricted. My misty eyes roamed around the room – looking for something – anything that could make me feel less culpable. I put my hand on my chest and I let out a silent sob. Of course, he means everything to me. Of course, he matters to me. I don't know why I said that. I felt a burden as I saw his eyes intensified. Why I couldn't accept it in front of him that yes – I was bothered by the presence of Alice. I bothered by the way he was caring for her. I let out a deep breath and rested my elbows on my knees before I cupped my face in my palms. I was drowning in guilt when I heard the door of the room being opened. I looked up to see Silas slamming the behind him.

"You know what, Maria? I have a lot to say!" He spoke loudly as he creased his forehead. I could see the anger pouring out his eyes. "I have had enough of this, Maria." He said as he knocked down his laptop that was resting on his desk. I widened my eyes and I looked at it on the floor. I opened my mouth to calm him down, but he pointed his finger towards me and stopped me from speaking, "Silence! You will not speak. Only I will speak and you will listen." He scolded me and I did what he said.

He moved nearer to me, "I know you are bothered by Alice's presence. I know you did not like her being here with me alone." He started. I opened my mouth, but he stopped me. "Maria, don't you dare lie. I know what is true. I know you!" He said loudly. I decided that it was not the right time to argue him – especially when he is correct. "She is pregnant, Maria. She asked for milk and cookies and that's all I got her. You are jealous of her presence around me, but tell me, Maria, why are you jealous when you don't let me take care of you?!" He paused. "You don't think that I want to take care of you, that I don't want to love you. You don't think that I want you to love me back as much as I love you?" He questioned. "And don't you dare say that you don't love me because I know you do." He rebuked. I stared at him quietly with my eyes filled with tears. I wasn't weeping because he was raising his voice on me. I was crying because I realized that, that's what I wanted. I didn't want him to act so carefully around me. I didn't want to feel that he was being good to me because he was guilty of what he has done. I wanted him to act normal around me. I wanted him to be angry when I do something wrong. I wanted him to argue – like right now. I wanted the Silas that I knew before everything happened. And finally, after such a long time, I could the old Silas coming back.

"I want to take care of you, Maria. I want you to feel loved. I want you to be with me, but – no, you never let me. You have built this wall around you and no matter how many times I break it down – you always manage to build it up again and it is frustrating me." He said. His tone wasn't as loud as it was before. He sighed and placed his hands on his hipbone as he looked at me for a couple of seconds before he sat on the coffee table – facing me.

We looked at each other for a few seconds before he blew his cheeks out and bowed his head down. I mashed my lips, "I am sorry." I apologized to him. He lifted his head and looked straight into my eyes, "I am sorry, Silas." I apologized once again. "What I said was – not what I meant," I said as I looked down at my intertwined fingers. Silas didn't say anything, but I could feel his gaze at me so I continued. I nodded, "Yes, you are right. I was jealous of Alice." I said and finally dared to look at him. "I was bothered that she was with you and I wasn't," I said in a whisper. I gulped, "But, that's my mistake – I get it." I added. Silas shook his head, "No – I am sorry, Maria." He started to say, but I stopped him.

"Don't ruin the moment, Silas," I said to him. He knitted his eyebrows together, "Don't ruin what feels real." I added. I could feel the lump in my throat, but I refused to cry and ruin this moment. "After such a long time, it felt real. Since I met the accident – you have been trying so hard. You have been around me – trying to make your place again – when in reality, you have always been in my heart." I said to him. His eyes started to get misty. "I always pushed you back because I was scared and even when I wasn't – even when I knew that I am safe with you or that you will not break my trust again – I still pushed you away, because I was confused. I was confused that what if this never works." I told him. "Before today, everything looked so formal. You were trying so safely – you know. You ever always taking each step with care – not trying to hurt me again in the process." I said what I felt. "We were playing it so safe and carefully and slow that we forgot what normal is," I added.