Just Me Again.

46: I Promise, Never.

MARIA WAYNE

I had a feeling that Silas would show up before we leave. Everything was so chaotic in here. Paige was on the phone David – they were having a heated debate about something. Rene and I tried to stay away from it as it was personal. Charlie was on a call with Jackie, a small party planner in Barbados that was supposed to arrange a private bachelorette party by poolside the day after tomorrow. She left a message this morning saying that she will be unavailable and that Charlie should hire someone else for arranging it. Since she was notified at such short notice – Charlie was furious and arguing with her on the phone. On the other hand, Rene made a mistake by giving Kathie some candies and now she wants more – Charlie said not to have any and now she was throwing tantrums and Rene was trying to coax her. While I sat on the couch seeing the chaos going around me – when the doorbell rang, I was about to see who it was, but Paige, with a phone to her ear walked towards the door and opened it before turning around and walking upstairs looking upset at what David must be saying. I smiled as I saw Silas walking in with a bewildered expression on his face. He must be wondering what all the chaos was about.

Kathie was still whining and Charlie was busy on phone so, poor Rene tried to coax her, but Kathie has been behaving very whiny these days. Maybe it is what children are like when they are of her age. When ran to Silas – he handled the situation smoothly. It is another thing that bothers me. Seeing him with Kathie makes me realize that he enjoys her company and he must wish for children of his own one day – something that I can't give to him. I gulped as another negative thought popped up in my head. Since yesterday, all I could think about is the negative possibilities. I am suspecting every happy moment – I feel like a failure. I feel like I will not be able to give Silas all the happiness he deserves. I snapped out of my thoughts and turned my head to look at Charlie walking in the kitchen and Kathie following her and Rene was also gone – she must have gone to see Paige. It was just the two of us.

I wanted to talk to him before I leave – I wanted the contentment. I just want to talk to him and remove all the doubts from my mind. "Can we talk?" He and I said at the same time. We both chuckled. "Yes." Once again we said it together. Silas chuckled, "Can we talk in private?" He asked as he turned his head to look towards the kitchen from where we could hear Charlie still talking to Jackie on phone. I nodded. I gathered my crutches and stood up with the help of them. I tried twice to at least limp without crutches but each time I fell. We both walked towards my room. I went in first and Silas closed the door behind him.

He sighed as he sunk his shoulders. He smiled, "How are you?" He asked. I smiled back and nodded, "I am well." I replied. Silas stuffed his hands in his pockets, "Uh – I have so much to talk about – I don't know where to start from." He chuckled nervously. He wasn't looking at me – rather his gaze was down on the floor. I brought my eyebrows together, "Is everything okay?" I asked him. He looked zoned out – after a pause of a few seconds, I looked at me, "Huh? Oh – yeah. Yes, I am okay." He mashed his lips together, "I am just a little worried." He said and draw inbreathe.

I frowned, "Is everything okay, Silas?" I asked him. I don't know why I am thinking so negatively but when he said that he was worried – I thought he was having second thoughts or maybe he was worried that things will not work out between us. I gulped nervously. He blew his cheeks out, "It is Elizabeth." He replied. My heartbeat slowly got back to normal. I raised my eyebrow, "Elizabeth?" I asked him. He nodded, "She called you last night, but she could get to talk to you." He pointed out. "I haven't seen my cellphone last night," I mumbled and picked my phone from the dressing table – I remember putting it there after coming back from dinner. I checked it to see that there were two missed calls from her.

"Oh, I didn't see it. Is everything okay?" I asked as I turned around to see him. He twisted his mouth, "Um – not really. I think she needs a friend right now. It would be great if you would talk to her tomorrow when she will come to Barbados." Silas asked. I nodded, "Yeah – sure." I replied softly. I hope everything is okay with her. I feel so bad that I missed her calls. I sighed and bit my lower lip as Silas and I – both went quiet for a couple of seconds. Before the cloud of awkwardness could thicken I spoke, "So, I – uh – forgot to thank you for dinner last night. I had a great time." I was so busy being a naysayer that I forgot to thank him for a wonderful evening that I couldn't enjoy because all the depressing thoughts clustering in my mind.

He smiled and walked closer, "No, you didn't." He said while shaking his head. "You were lost last night – you didn't talk much. You were zoned out." He continues. "And the way you cried before dinner." He said as his gaze traveled to my neck on which I still had the necklace that he gave to me last night. He put his hand on my waist and slowly rubbed his thumb on my clothed skin. His face merely a few inches away from mine – he whispered, "What is it that you are hiding from me, Maria? What is going in your mind?" He asked. He gulped as I gazed at his Adam's apple bobbing, "I know you have doubts – but about what?" He questioned. I averted my gaze looked straight into his eyes. I didn't say anything immediately I gave words a pause. He didn't push me to speak either – we both silently looked into each other's eyes. His eyes looked glossy and I am sure mine does too.

I breathe and mashed my lips together, "Did you ever wonder how difficult it is to not be with the same Maria you used to love?" I asked him what was in my mind. He knitted his eyebrows together as I continued, "How can you see a future with a girl who can't even walk on her own?" My voice wobbled but I kept talking, "How can you be with a girl that can't give birth to a child?" I asked as a tear fell off my eye.

I expected him to bash at me for thinking so negatively, but instead his lips slowly formed into a smile. "You are thinking about our future." He whispered. He lightly brushed his nose on mine and rested his forehead on mine, "I didn't fall in love just with your body – I fell in love with your soul. I don't just want to spend time with you – I want to spend my whole life with you. I want to hear from you speak. I want to see you smile, I want you to feel loved. I don't care if we can't have children of our own. We can always adopt children and call them our own." He said. "Yes, you are not the same anymore." He said. "You haven't changed, really. You are just pretending because you are so certain that the circumstances that you have been through should make a person behave differently and you are trying so hard to change, but Maria, you can never change what's inside you." He said. "Your appearance does not define you." He added.

"It pains me to see that you doubt your beautiful self." Silas continued as I put my hands around his neck. "I love you and I am not letting you go. I am never letting you go – you can't get rid of me so easy, Maria. You are my other half and I can't live without you." I broke into sobs as soon as he said it and hugged him tightly. "I love you." I cried as he hugged him back. "I don't want to you let me go either, Silas," I said as I brushed my fingers in his hair. "I am so scared that something is going to happen between us and it is going to draw us apart again." I wept. "Please – no matter how hard I try to push you back – never let go of me," I spoke. "Promise me, you will never let me go," I asked him. He sniffed and looked into my eyes – his eyes were filled tears, "I promise, never." He whispered and kissed my forehead.

"Don't go." He said the tenth time I guess. I just chuckled and dried my hair as I sat in front of the dressing table. He waited for me in my room while I was gone to take shower – we have to leave for the airport in two hours and for the past one hour he has the same thing, "I am serious, Maria – don't go." He said it once again. I laughed, "You don't want me to have fun with my friends?" I asked him. He was chewing a chewing-gum, "You can have fun with me." He winked. I rolled my eyes, "Nope, I am going with my friends." I said to him, "But what about me?" He pouted jokingly. "You have Marcus and Bear to be with her." I chuckled. He rolled his eyes, "One has chewed most of my shows and the other is always ready to chew off my head." He mumbled causing me to laugh. He sighed, "I will miss you." He said softly. I smiled, "I will miss you too." I replied. "Then, don't go." He said immediately. I just chuckled and shook my head.

"Hey, by the way, who was Charlie yelling at?" Silas asked. "Jackie," I replied. "She was supposed to arrange a small private party by the pool-side, but she bailed on the last minute and she even refused to return full advance payment – she only transferred half to Charlie's account," I told her. Silas frowned, "What?" He asked. He lightly shook his head, "That is so not done." He said. "Charlie should let me talk to this Jackie." He put his hands on his hip. I sighed as I brushed my hair, "I asked her to let Marcus take care of it, but she said she will handle it on her own." I told him.

Silas sighed, "She is acting very stubborn these days." He nodded. "Bridezilla," I said and he laughed. "Well, you girls don't have to worry about anything – I will take care of it." He assured. I smiled, "Talk to Charlie about it first." I said to him. He nodded, "You are right." He leaned in and kissed on the cheek, "I will talk to Charlie about it before you all leave. I can arrange everything for you all before you all could reach Barbados." He said. "I will be right back, babe." He said and walked out of the room – leaving me behind with a goofy smile on my face. "He called me babe," I mumbled to myself.