The Unwanted Promise (New Cover, Same Story)

08. In the Depths of Despair

To the world I was unimportant, and to me the world was useless...

Jumping into the deepest pit, I hid for eternity. Waking up one day, I had decided I didn’t want to get out of bed. So I didn’t. I slept, and continue to do so despite the knockings at my door. Living that way was easier. There was nothing difficult to think about. In the pit of my cave I could ignore everything that had happened to me.

I could wallow away at the comfort of knowing that nothing could bother me. I could hurt with no one to judge me. I could be me without the pains of anyone finding out how weak I was. I could wake up and stare at my ceiling and wonder. I could fold myself up and wonder. I could cry and wonder.

It hurt, everything hurt. As much as I wanted to ignore everything that had happened I couldn’t. I woke up every morning with a lie and ended every night going to sleep, scared of nightmares. The pain that came with every remembrance hurt even more than the last.

I had shut down as a person. There was no point in living when life was a struggle. Living was not the most important thing while I was hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. Laying in my bed, shadows of my flaws poked at me. And it was easier to lay there to let everything come at me at once.

“Cari.” a voice came at my door. “What is wrong? You need to tell us what is wrong, otherwise how are we supposed to help you?”

Hiding under my blanket, I waited till the voices and knocking disappeared. Nothing is wrong! Couldn’t they just leave me alone. Couldn’t they see that they were the ones to make this worse. Couldn’t they see what was wrong and to just leave me alone. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.

“Cari,” my mother’s voice beckoned to me at my door, “come out and eat. I haven’t seen you eat in days now. I just want to see you eat.”

Tears flow out of my eyes. I could hear the hurt in her voice, but in the moment, my hurt was out hurting everyone else. I couldn’t make myself come out of this pit when it felt right.

Day after day, I spent in my room. With no lights. With no one. Week after week, I felt the pain continue to destroy me. Every day it came afresh. Every night it settled in. Month after month, those weeks and days were a blur. The pain stayed, and I was glad to be it’s friend.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to end my life. I told myself that those who ended their lives due to suicide were stupid and I would never come to that conclusion. In my pit though, it was the perfect answer. I would stop hurting, everyone else would stop hurting. I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain, and everyone wouldn’t have to deal with me. My death would fix everything. My death was the answer to everyone’s problem.

I couldn’t do it though. I was too scared. I was too much of a coward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Luna!”

“Sophie,” I said to the enraged girl,” what’s going on?”

It was the day after the wedding, and I was sitting in my room, writing. Bee had gone back to school, and I was writing the whole day away. That was until a knock came at my door. Sophie walked into my room and threw herself on the bed.

“With the wedding going on, I couldn’t read your update, but I just did.”

“Oh. And?”

“You told me that I would like it,” Sophie said.

“You don’t?” I asked, I knew it would be a shocker to the girl. The love story everyone was reading just came to an end. It wasn’t a pretty end either.