supersonic | liam gallagher / damon albarn

thirty one

I watched with a smile on my face as my nephew pushed toy cars along the wooden flooring in Ryan's living room. Zach had grown up so quickly and I almost resented myself for missing five months of his life by being in America.

Ryan and Stacey were still together and in love, and I struggled to recall a time I'd ever seen Ryan so happy, or with his life so put together. It seemed like he had it all, and now, I was by myself again, starting back at the bottom.

"Do you miss him?" Ryan asked, following me into the kitchen to clear up after our meal.

"Who?" I replied, stacking the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Damon."

I paused to think about how to answer my brother's question. Blur and their music was everywhere, I had no choice but to come face to face with Damon every day, whether it was hearing his voice on the radio or seeing his blue eyes looking right at me on a poster on a bus shelter on my way home from work.

I couldn't really miss him, since he was never really gone. He was everywhere. But did I miss the Damon that I knew? The one that surprised me with flowers and stroked my hair as I fell asleep? I suppose that was the question Ryan was asking.

"No."

I wasn't sure whether I was lying or not, but truthfully, I didn't want to think about it. I had seen enough heartbreak for a while, and thinking back to how being with Damon made me feel, and then how it ended, was a pain that I didn't want to relive if I could avoid it.

"You seem happier, you know, you do."

Ryan smiled at me, the two of us sitting on the counter tops.

"Really?"

"Really." He nodded, "I always thought since you were young that you're better by yourself. So independent, headstrong, all that. I never really worried about you with anything, I always knew you'd be fine no matter what."

Ryan was right. I'd always been happiest on my own, for the most part. I enjoyed my own company, liked to do things at my own pace, on my own terms. Ryan was a lot like me, but he'd happened to meet Stacey, who he didn't mind sharing his life with. I just hadn't found my person yet.

"You like being in charge don't you, always have." Ryan said, the two of us sharing a laugh, "Only time I think I've ever seen you happier is..."

He trailed off, bowing his head before looking out of the window.

"Is when?" I pried.

He turned to look at me, forcing a laugh.

"When I told you David fancied you."

I slapped Ryan on the arm, both of us laughing at one another like children. I knew his response was a lie, but I didn't want to dig any deeper.

I stayed for a little while longer until Stacey put Zachary to bed. The three of us had a glass of wine before I decided it was time for me to get home.

I'd been so grateful for how much Ryan and Stacey had tried to keep me occupied since I got back from America. Once I told them what had happened, they'd constantly been inviting me round, Stacey asking me to go shopping with her, or go with her to take Zach to the park. I was glad I had them as my family, I knew they'd always be there when I needed.

After saying goodbye to Ryan and Stacey, I headed out into the night. I still hadn't quite got used to the fact that that wasn't my home anymore.