Unfixable [h.s]

4- Numb

(Remember the photo)
——————-

It's Monday.

I woke up today numb.

Numb.

There are two definitions of being numb.

The first one is in a physical way.

The person is unable to feel anything in a particular part of his/her body.

The second one is more of the emotional way, by your mind and "heart".

The person is unable to think, feel, or react normally because of something that shocks or upsets him/her.

For me is the second one—but a little different.
In the long shot, it is because of shock, being upset, trauma and fear, but, in the short one, right now I was supposed to be.. happy? I don't know.. I guess.. but because of the long shot, going back in time I can't.
So.. why am I supposed to be happy right?

I'm not used to it to feeling numb. I'm always tired or angry but today I'm just.. Numb.

The difference is that today I woke up and Shawn was cuddling me. I would usually freak out because I never noticed it was him nor I woke up but I just know how my brother feels like and smells like.

Shawn and I literally went through every little thing together, every nightmare, every trip, every time we fell from our feet, every sob of pain coming out from our mouths because of our daddy. He's my twin. He's the other half of me. We were there for each other forever.

Friday, when I got up after finishing the song, not wanting to exchange another word with this man, yeah I still don't know his name and it's been a week since i met him for the first time. I remembered that I need to stay awake, even if I'm exhausted, if I want to see my mum and Shawny. But i couldn't stay awake, i fell asleep eventually, but i woke up with Shawn so it's ok..

As i watch my brother sleeping, not sure if we're both going to school today or if mum wants us to stay home and rest. Shawns eyes opened a bit just to look at the dark room with only a light of my phone's flashlight. We love the room pitch black dark. We hate sleeping with any kind of light, just the number on the air conditioner as a very small light.

"Missed you sis" he said in his raspy morning voice, It was weird hearing his voice suddenly.

"Missed me?"

I nod silently, my face staying the same. I don't know what missing feels like anymore. I don't miss anything, but I am aware that sometimes I wanted to say something to Shawn or go somewhere with him and hang out and he wasn't there. I'm sure it was enough of knowing that he was missing when i wanted him to be there so i guess i did miss him?

"Did you have fun without me here?"

I shook my head. I really haven't. I usually don't have fun but it was still better when he was there with me, more.. tolerable.

"Well I had a lot of fun without you, you pain in the ass"

I smiled slightly, as I said, he is the only one who can make me smile.

"I wish I could hear your laugh again.. I miss it"

My smile faded immediately and so did his cocky look.

He wishes that I wouldn't have taken all of last year so hard but it's just self defense. A defense mechanism.

People usually build walls around their "heart" and mind after things that scarred them.
It's a psychological strategie.