The Fault in Our Stars - Larry Stylinson

228

I guess I must have either passed out or fallen asleep last night in the middle of the panic attack because next time I opened my eyes the time on my phone showed 12.20 pm.

I was still lying on the floor.

It was saturday.

I had a text from Harry.

Harry 10.23 am:

Goodmorning Lou!

Do you have any plans for today or would you like to watch a movie later?

x - H

I didn't respond.

I pulled myself off the floor and stumbled into the bathroom.

My thoughts were all messed up.

I desperately needed a shower.

I took off my clothes and stepped into the shower.

I felt the warm water against my skin and tried to think straight.

Harry had kissed me and I liked it.

But I could never commit to Harry, it just wouldn't be fair to him.

He deserves so much better.

I'm fucked up in so many ways.

And Harry..

Yeah Harry is just perfect.

I've already let this go on for far too long but now I gotta put an end to it for real.

I need to distance myself from Harry.

It's gonna hurt but if I don't do it now the pain will be even worse later.

Harry deserves to be with someone that makes him happy.

Someone that will grow old with him.

And that someone isn't me.

When I finally got out of the shower 3 hours had passed.

I put some food in the microwave and stared at the wall while waiting for it to get ready.

I sat down at the table to eat but only managed to get a few bites down.

Then I just stared at the food for probably almost half an hour before I threw it out.

Eating just felt pointless.

Instead I went to grab my lighter and the packet of cigarettes I had in the pocket of my jacket.

I opened up the window and sat down on the window bench.

It was almost dark outside even though it really wasn't that late yet.

I placed a cigarette between my lips and lit it.

Inhaled and exhaled.

I really wasn't that big of a fan of smoking but it helped dealing with the anxiety.

Even though it only was for a minute or two, I took anything I could get.

I didn't worry about all the bad health effects smoking caused because it wasn't like that was going to matter in 228 days anyways.

I just sat in the window chainsmoking when I heard my phone "ding ''.

As I pulled it out of my pocket I saw that I had a new text message.

From Harry.

Harry 8.23 pm:

I guess you're busy or sleeping or something anyways I'll be at the park tonight as always. See you there! - H

I sighed and put my phone down.

I never went to the park that night.