The Fault in Our Stars - Larry Stylinson

72

I hadn't seen Harry since yesterday, I had told him that I was going out of town this weekend to visit my grandparents which he found quite odd since I've never mentioned them before but he bought it. I felt horrible about lying to Harry but I need to be alone this weekend. It was mom's birthday. She loved her birthday, we always used to celebrate really big just me and her, eating cake for breakfast, filling up the flat with balloons and going out for dinner. I have many happy memories of that.

I always used to buy her a bouquet of white peonies, her favourite flowers for her birthday. So now I'm standing here at the cemetery with a bouquet of white peonies in my hand.

"Happy Birthday mom" I said as I placed the bouquet in front of her tombstone.

I sat down in the grass.

"You know it's really hard here without you-" I began, my voice cracked.

"Everyday is a battle that I'm surprised I haven't lost yet. Everyday I want to throw in the towel and come to find you but then I look at him and I think that maybe I can manage just a little bit longer. He's wonderful, mom why aren't you here to see that?  I've been thinking about if I should take him here to meet you but I'm just not ready yet even though that probably would help him understand things better when I'm not around anymore. He would understand that I needed to be with you. I don't know what to do. Fuck mom I miss you!" I felt the tears stream down my face.

"We were meant to do this together but now I'm here on my own, I know that you're looking down and I promise that I'll soon be home" I shot one last glance at the tombstone before raising to my feet and walking away.

I felt like shit, my mind was all messed up, I wanted to scream. Every breath I took hurt. I wanted to forget. The pain was too much. I couldn't go back to the flat, I just couldn't that place hold too many memories. Instead wiped away my tears and went into the nearest pub. I sat down and ordered two shots because it doesn't matter anyway.

I had lost track of many shots and pints of beer I've drank, I just kept them coming. People surrounded me but I didn't acknowledge them. I had tried to drown the screams from the demons in my head with liquor but it only made the mess worse. I couldn't think straight. A girl began to talk with me, I tried to hear what she said but the words didn't make any sense. Felt a hand on my thigh then her lips crashed together with mine. Finally I got myself together enough to push her off me and leave the pub. I stumbled out in the street not knowing where I was headed.

Suddenly, I found myself standing outside his door. I debated but then I knocked on the door. Harry opened the door and looked at me in confusion:

"Lou, it's 2 am what are you doing here?"

Just as the tears once again started to stream down my face I felt Harry's arms wrapping around me. I buried my face in his neck and just let myself cry.