The Fault in Our Stars - Larry Stylinson

175

It was December 7th, the anniversary of mom's death.

I still called her every once in a while just to hear her answerphone.

This morning I woke up still dreaming, with memories of her playing through my head. She will never know how much I miss her.

The day that they took her I wished it was me instead.

Harry had of course noticed that something was up with me. He had tried to talk with me about it for the last couple of weeks but I had just played it off as nothing. I knew that Harry could see through my lies but I just couldn't get myself to tell him.

I had assured him that I would be fine while he was at his grandparents for the weekend, I had been able to tell that he didn't completely believe me by the look in his eyes and fact that had called me like 10 times since he left yesterday just proves that. I was actually happy that he was out of town so I was left alone in my grief.

I hadn't picked up any of Harry's calls since I woke up, I just couldn't bear to talk to him. Right now I had 6 missed calls, a few text messages and they were still counting. I decided to shut my phone off, Harry would probably file a missing person report soon but I couldn't care less right now. I still hadn't managed to leave bed, I just couldn't see the point to it.

After a couple of hours of staring at the ceiling I actually left bed. I shot a glance in the mirror and saw that I looked more dead than alive. Placing a cigarette between my lips as I sat down on the window bench. Inhaled and exhaled but the cigarette didn't have the effect I wished. Every breath I took felt so damn heavy.

Half a pack of cigarettes later I was out the door.

On my way to see mom.

I hadn't been to the cemetery since the funeral. I found it to be quite an intimidating place. Everything just becomes so real when you're standing in front of a tombstone.

"Hi mom," I said.

The bouquet of white peonies I had brought, I placed in front of her.

White peonies were her favourite flowers. I always used to buy her a bouquet for her birthday. I sat down in the grass.

"Things are hard here without you but I'm going to finish High school swear I'm going to make you proud"

The night was completely still, it was just me, her and the stars.

I started to hum the words to All of the stars, singing to her as she used to do to me.

I sat there for hours trying to make up for lost time.

"I know that you're waiting. I'll see you again" I said as I was leaving. I placed my hand on the cold stone, tracing my fingers along the letters of her name before turning around and walking away.

Soon I thought to myself.

I hadn't shed a single tear at the cemetery but the minute I walked inside my flat, I broke. My vision got blurry and my breath shortened. I was hyperventilating. I could physically feel my already broken heart shatter even more and it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. It felt like my insides were being ripped out. It honestly felt like I was dying.

I made my way to the bathroom, stumbling almost didn't make it to the toilet before throwing up.

I screamed.

The pain was too strong to take. I need it to stop, I couldn't handle the suffering anymore. I needed everything to stop, I had lost all control.

Reached for the razor blade.

By cutting I was able to control the pain.

But when sitting on the bathroom floor, the razor blade in my left hand I remembered Harry's words. I had promised that I wouldn't hurt myself again.

I knew that Harry would never forgive himself if he found out that I'd been cutting again when he was out of town. I pulled my phone out my pocket and turned it on.

56 missed calls.

I debated.

Then I pressed call.

Harry picked up on the first signal.

"Lou, where have you been? Are you okay? You know I've been so worried..." Harry rambled.

"Harry" I said, cutting him off.

"Harry I need you"

Harry found me lying on the bathroom floor, the razor blade still in my left hand. He pulled me into his arms, I managed to get a look of his face before I closed my eyes. He was crying.