crush | janiel

chapter eight

"what was today all about?"
i pulled my shirt over my head and ruffled hair, while fixing my glasses back onto my nose as i look at zach confused.
"what do you mean what was today all about?" i mimicked in a childish voice which made zach hit my shoulder softly, following up with a scoff.
"the interview, you seemed quiet is everything ok?" his voice tensed up a little, which indicated he was a little concerned as i shook my head.
"i don't talk in interviews anyway what are you talking about?"
my statement was indeed telling the truth though. partly at least. the truth was i feeling sick, and not just from the alcohol, but from being tired, and overworked. it even hurt to cry because i was feeling so overwhelmed with everything. crying just made me drain my energy more than it already was. most part of it was through touring, singing, and playing for endless crowds which isn't something i truly really cared about being tired about. it was the way i was feeling mentally exhausted. i wasn't getting enough sleep, nor was i eating all 3 meals. it was just this sick type of feeling which i hated to talk about, because i knew if i drew attention to my problems, everything would get pushed back, and as much as i appreciated that, i didn't want to be selfish in the situation.
"hello? earth or solar system to jack?"
i shook my hand as zach waved his small hand in my face. i slapped it away as he put it down, and leaned closer to my head, touching it in a way to give me a hug. as much as i wasn't in the mood to talk about how i was feeling or anything, zach's temple pushed softly against mine, as he let out a long sigh.
"you're tired aren't you?"
i pulled away a little too harshy, just because i was confused that he knew what i was thinking.
"well aren't we all?" i said defensively, as zach curled his lips and looked down the hallway. i followed his eyes to see a sleepy daniel, rubbing his eyes with a white claw situated on his desk next to him, which made me laugh a little since i had accidentally gotten the whole band including eben addicted to them. my eyes later dangled down to his journal. i could see him writing words. erasing. crossing out. and eventually sometimes even rip out and throw away. such a big part of me wanted to sometimes see what he thought wasn't good enough, because i knew truly that everything he wrote was amazing, him doubting it or not.
"i know you're lying to me jack."
i looked back into zach's deep brown eyes.
"what do you mean no i'm not," i asked puzzled.
he leaned against the bunks as he opened his mouth to speak but quickly hesitated at first to check if corbyn was asleep behind the curtain.
"there's something bothering you, and i don't know what it is, but i know you long enough to know that you get distant, and quiet when your upset, because you hate to bother people with your problems."
i opened my mouth, but nothing came out of it because he was telling the truth. that was exactly how i was feeling, no matter how many times i denied it.
"you're overthinking zach, i'm ok," i lied, but he shook his head.
"tell me the truth. a-and it doesn't even need to make sense and you can leave things out if you don't trust me knowing some things-"
"-i do trust you," i whispered cutting him off. "i just...i just don't want to kill the mood everyone's in which is clearly a good one."
"look it doesn't matter how i'm feeling. i mean you're my brother jack. i'm supposed to look after you, regardless if you're older than me. because you're also my best friend."
i smiled softly at him, but then quickly looked down to my feet.
"now c'mon, tell me what's going on?"
my back leaned against the other bunks on the opposite side of zach, and i slid down to sit on the floor. at first, he didn't react, but then later followed me, sitting in a criss cross position.
"i'm scared that i'm not taking care of myself zach," i murmured out, as he scooted a little closer next to me.
"well define what you mean?"
"well...i'm feeling sick because i'm not eating breakfast, and that's because i feel sick. but on top of that since i'm not eating breakfast, my stomach is hurting, and it just doesn't make sense of how i could help myself with no way out of this stupid fucking mess," i replied, running my fingers through my hair a bit more roughly. it made me frustrated because i wanted to talk about these type of things with not only zach, but the rest of the band. eben. even the team. but every time i opened my mouth, it seemed as if all i ever do is complain.
zach's fingers tangled into my hair, slowly pulling away my own as he held them, nodding his head as a sign that he was still listening. i closed my eyes for a few seconds, letting out a breath i didn't know i was even holding.
"...and you're right, i lied to you."
i felt his light grip on my hands loosen more, but he scooted to my right side, resting his head on my shoulder.
"about what?"
"...you know when you asked about lav in the morning?"
there was silence until i felt zach's hair move in a nod.
"i didn't lie to you when i said i didn't get the chance to talk to her...but i actually haven't heard from gabbie in almost 2 weeks."
"why?" he asked, sitting up a little to meet eye contact with me as i shrugged my shoulders. the rush of sadness swept over me, thinking about lavender's cute little smile and cute little laugh.
"jack i'm so sorry," he said hugging my side, as i clutched his small body close to me.
apart of me wanted to start crying into his shoulder because i was just so tired, but the rest of the team and guys' were on board, and i sure didn't want to bother another person. i felt another pair of hands touch my shoulder.
a ring. on the pointer and ring finger.
i didn't look out of zach's shoulder to see who it was, because first his hoodie smelt so good, and the other part was i already knew who the person was.
"zach is he alright?"
zach nodded in daniel's direction, pulling away slowly as i looked up to daniel, crouched on the floor. he was giving me a small smile which made my heart feel a little less empty, as zach stood up from the call of his name which jonah was calling. i peered down at daniel's white vans, which were again so dirty even though it'd been a week of him with a new pair.
"you know jon's going to make you throw out this pair too right?" i said, trying my best to switch the subject.
daniel scoffed quietly as he pulled a blanket into his bunk.
"well he's just going to have to deal with it, because this is like my 3rd pair."
i laughed as he he looked at me, smiling as if the only reason he was smiling was because of my laugh.
"guys go to bed, we have a show tomorrow."
before i could answer at clearly a very tired eben, the bus started moving, causing me to slide a little off the aisle since i was sitting on the floor. but thankfully, daniel was putting stuff into his bunk to stop me. the only problem was us bumping into each other.
"you ok?" he asked in a sleepy voice as i nodded my head, clutching on to the pole rods of the bunks so i wouldn't fall again.
"yeah, i'm just going to go to bed, i'm so tired," i yawned.
it was true. i was exhausted and the only thing i was thinking about was being tired and just wanting to sleep.
"ok but before you go, you can always come to my bunk if you don't feel like being alone." he said softly.
it made me blush a little, which i later realized, nodding my head and climbing into a bunk. as soon as i shut my curtain close, i buried my head into my pillow, wanting to scream because of how embarrassing that whole 2 minutes felt. my thoughts reverted again back to daniel and everything that happened which was just perfect meaning i couldn't sleep anymore because he was the only thing on my mind. i flipped my pillow to the cold side, and closed my eyes, trying to focus on falling asleep, but every time i closed my eyes, i saw his beautiful blue eyes and heard his cute laugh echo. i kept tossing and turning for another 10 minutes, until i gave up, reaching for my phone and pulling up netflix to watch a show. there wasn't any show i was watching, so i clicked on game of thrones since i was using jonah's netflix, and started watching the first episode.
i was on the second episode when i yawned and sensed that i was still tired, so i put my phone down and closed my eyes, but again, i couldn't.
i sat there, staring at the ceiling of my bunk, thinking of whether to go sleep in daniel's, because he could either be awake, or be knocked out. and in both ways i really didn't want to bother him. i shrugged to myself as i opened my curtain slowly, climbing out to the darkness of the bus. the doors were closed, so the halls were pitch black, which worried me more because i didn't want to poke daniel's eye out on accident. i crouched down to his bunk, pulling open the curtain slowly, and climbing in. but i soon realized he wasn't even in here. his light was on in his bunk, but he wasn't in there, which made me sad. i cuddled up into his small blanket and into his pillow, as i smelt his mild cologne which i honestly loved the smell of. and the smell made me slowly drowse off to sleep, even though his annoying light was on, but i wanted him to see me in here so first he wouldn't freak out that i was. i felt a piece of paper against my nose as i opened my eyes to a crumped piece stuck into the side of his bed. my glasses weren't on, but i was so tired to even put them on, and even though again i wanted to know all the mystery stories or poems he read, i was so tired, that by the time i shuffled the paper back into the corner, except this time out of my face, i fell asleep to the movement of the bus which was going to a city i didn't even know about. but nothing mattered except just falling asleep, and just the smell of daniel's cologne helped me, as i drifted of to the sleep i hadn't have gotten fully in 3 days.