Stucky Halloween: 2020

I Never Said

Well here's an idea: Captain!Hydra and WinterSoldier! au :) The only TW I can think of is past-tense mentions of HYDRA abuse (nothing graphic) and verbal fighting/angst/panic attack description.

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"I never said I knew exactly what you've gone through, Buck," Steve said, jaw clenched. "I said I understand HYDRA just as well as you do."

"Okay and I never said I was negating your -- your experience, Steve, I was just asking if you could give me a little bit of a break," Bucky snapped. "What you're asking is -- "

"I asked when you thought you would get back in the field," Steve interrupted, folding his arms, "I never said 'Bucky, get back out there and put your life on the line for me', I asked a very simple godd*mn question."

"I don't have an answer for you yet!" Bucky threw his hands in the air. "Sorry I don't have my sh*t together like perfect Steven Grant Rogers -- "

"That's all you had to say," Steve shot back. Bucky wanted to have a retort ready but all he could do was seethe with quiet anger, boiling in his chest with nowhere to go.

"Okay," is what he finally spat before dropping his hands on his hips. After another tense minute he said, "I'm going on a walk. I'll only take half an hour. Maybe an hour."

"Okay," Steve replied, quieter, but Bucky could sense the controlled anger; he was wrestling with his own emotions. With that said Bucky left abruptly and Steve paced the living room, arms crossed tightly.

Everything reminding him of why he's awful came creeping back into his mind and Steve did his best to ignore it; that was impossible. Deciding that the day was already a lost cause, Steve sank into the couch and tried to watch a mind-numbing tv show when all he could see was what he'd done under HYDRA's control.

He looked down and saw red from the screen lighting up his hands. With a sickening jolt he felt the red of blood on his hands and the copper scent filled the air. It was false, only a memory, he was okay, but still -- Steve stepped shakily to the kitchen sink and stood there scrubbing his hands until they almost burned.

He still smelled blood and his stomach was turning. The yelling voices in his ears were harder to ignore and Steve took a shaky breath, and another, realizing with a groan that he was rapidly sinking into a panic attack.

Steve scrambled for his phone.

"Pick up, pick up," he murmured, staring blankly at the wall and blinking too quickly. "Bucky, please -- "

"Steve?"

"Buck, I'm sorry," he breathed, the creeping sense of dread behind him almost unbearable. He flinched at the thought. "I'm sorry, can you come home? Please?"

Bucky hesitated only for a second. "You okay?"

Steve exhaled a nervous laugh and looked around himself. It was getting worse. "N-no, I -- Buck, I need -- " He squeezed his eyes shut, no, what did he need?

Bucky filled the beat of silence. "I'm coming back, okay? Can you stay on the phone with me?"

Steve leaned his head against the wall, biting back a groan of no, I absolutely cannot do that and forced himself to nod.

"Steve? You there?"

Speak, godd*mn it --

"Steve, come on," Bucky said a little louder. "Steve, can you talk to me?"

Steve's mouth was moving and no sound was coming out, so he gasped in another tight breath. Bucky's grip on the phone tightened; he quickened his pace.

"I never said -- I-I never meant it," Steve finally stammered, pressing the heel of his hand to his eye.

"I know, it's okay," Bucky said instantly. Sure, they fought sometimes, but Bucky never meant it -- he knew Steve didn't, either.

When Bucky arrived Steve was relatively calmer, trying to look more put together than he felt. Bucky looked at him worriedly and sat across from him, cross-legged.

"You okay?"

Steve paused a second. Finally, his shoulders slumped and he offered a small smile. "Yeah," he breathed. The silence surrounding them was more comfortable and warm than before; Bucky moved closer and their knees were touching.

Steve didn't pull away. "I'm sorry, Buck."

Bucky smiled softly. "Yeah, me too." He looked down. "It's okay, Steve," he continued, quieter, and Steve nodded once, finally relaxed.

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Here we go! I kinda liked this one despite the angst.