My corona/2020 journel

Thursday, 10/15/20

This post has a lot of complaining and self-hate so if you'd be uncomfortable with that kind of stuff, please don't read.

  School is........ going. Just going. Nothing bad, I'm staying on top of work, getting to class, keeping good grades, all the good academic stuff. Just socially struggling. I have friends, thankfully, but I'm just there. It doesn't feel like I'm actually connecting. And I've known these people for three years now. Some of them have longer relations than me though. I'm always trying to balance my school, family, and hobbies. But having a younger sister that I have to help take care of, it weighs me down. Probably about three times already, I've declined a meetup with friends because of family. It makes me feel bad that I am even complaining. I know I'm lucky to have a family as close as we are. But since my sister and I are early teenagers, there's gonna be a lot of changes coming. This post is gonna be more of a vent, although all of my posts are like that. 

    So first thing to vent about: My relationship with my sister. It's really good by the way. As soon as we get home from our after-school activities, we talk about our time there. Like on Mondays, she has Taekwondo and dance practice, and I have orchestra practice. I'll tell her the passage we had to work on because people had a hard time on it, and she'll tell me something about her practice. The thing I always get frustrated with, is attention. Whenever she needs help with something, or wants to talk, I give her my undivided attention. But when I need something, she's focusing on something else. Like the other day, I asked her about something and she just kept watching TikTok. Then she gets frustrated that I'm upset with her. But then I remember she doesn't understand what it's like to have to take care of someone younger than herself. Having to keep them entertained, feel safe, or help them with something. 

    Numero dos of vent topics: My friends. I love them. They're, in the words of Flora Wingrave, perfectly splendid. Like it was mentioned before, I've known them for three years now but I don't feel like I'm as close to them as they are to each other. Which is great for them, they deserve the best and I want them to be happy. But I can't always be talking to them, whether in-person or online, and I feel like they think I don't like them. That's just probably the anxiety or the puberty hormones talking. Quarantine ruined the social skills I was building up. But that's also partially on me.

    That's probably the base of my problems. I just give up once I get a reason to. I could've kept texting my friends for six months, but I just didn't and it probably sent a really bad message.