goth angel sinner - dreamnap (sequel to cowys)

no, the moon - teen suicide

i'm lying down
it's raining now

xxx

i drop my pencil, sighing out of frustration. this is the final english project before graduation and i can't even find the motivation to do it. i've always exceeded in english class, it shouldn't be a problem for me. but right now, i just can't be bothered. the letters are mixing together, forming a blurry, unreadable mess.

my head hurts. what am i supposed to write about again?

small raindrops hit the window, creating an array of tapping sounds. normally i would find them relaxing, but now they're only adding to my stress. i can't seem to focus on anything anymore, even if it's entertaining. goosebumps have started to appear all over my arms. my room is getting cold.

i keep checking my phone, and it keeps telling me i've got no new notifications. i'm worried. so so worried. it's almost pathetic.

nick. yeah, of course this is about him. when is it not? he lives rent free in my mind at this point. why isn't he answering my calls? or responding to my texts? it's been like a week. the worry is eating me up. all i can do is smoke, wait, and hope.

i haven't seen him around in school either, but that could just be a coincidence. we very rarely see each other in the halls or at lunch, and he's not in any of my classes. our schedules all in all don't match well.

more than anything i want to just drive over to his house and check up on him. but i know it's too risky, way way too risky. i'd probably get the cops called on me, or some other crazy shit like that. maybe they'd beat me up and throw me in their basement. i honestly wouldn't even be surprised.

but surely he's just been busy, right? studying for all the finals, fixing other, more important stuff.

or has he purposely been avoiding me? that thought has infiltrated my brain a lot lately. maybe it's my fault. maybe i did something wrong. it seemed like he was acting slightly off that night after the picnic. only during the last few minutes before he left though. it could just be me overthinking things again, but for some reason i can't let it go.

the way he said goodbye, and responded to me so hesitantly. and that one sentence, what was it again? "sometimes i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up again." that, if anything, has been gnawing on me. there's no way he...

my throat tightens. i have to take deep breaths to push the incoming panic away. no. don't worry about it. you would've heard about it if he did. it's alright, clay. he's fine. he probably just needs a break away from everything. he needs a break away from you. love isn't easy. let him take his time.

i get up from my uncomfortable desk chair to go lay down in bed. english can wait. i need to calm down first.

past me must've been feeling really generous, leaving an untouched joint like this. i like past me. my pink ashtray is filled with old clips i haven't bothered throwing out yet. one day i will.

my lighter creates a steady flame, letting me take a first, relieving drag. the ashtray sits nicely on top of my chest. i watch the thick smoke dissipate around me, my mind wandering off to better, safer places.

i have to admit that i got the shock of a lifetime a few days ago, when my dad asked me what the handcuffs and the frequently reoccurring cumstains on my bedsheets were all about.

apparently he came home from work whilst i was driving nick home that night, and wanted to check if i was sleeping. to his surprise, no clay was to be found in bed. only handcuffs. because my stupid ass obviously forgot to remove the metal objects from the bed frame. great job.

i quickly decided to not lie, instead just telling him the truth. i told him about this boy i met, the boy with the pretty hazel eyes, the boy whose hair is always a mess, the boy whose smile never fails to make my heart jump. i told him how we had hit it off right away, and how i soon realized i had feelings for him.

i told him everything about that boy, and how i think i'm in love with him.

i've never seen my dad smile so much. he said that he was really happy for me. he listened to me ramble on about my baby for god knows how long, and pointed out that he's never seen my eyes glitter so wildly before, that my cheeks have never gone red like that before. he told me anyone could tell i was head over heels. a little embarrassing, but whatever.

then he joked and said that this 'nick' must be very handsome, judging by the way i meticulously described him, and that he'd love to meet the boy who makes his son so happy.

one day dad, one day you will. but we have to be careful, though you don't know anything about that yet. i'm sorry i didn't explain it.

my eyes are shut, and i'm finally enjoying the sound of the rain. it all seems a little better now. but i'm still feeling empty and lost. hopefully he picks up the phone tonight.

xxx

i close my eyes
it's late at night
i hope i won't have that dream again