THE SECRETS WE KEEP.

- WALTZING AWAY WITH MY HEART (PART 1).

JOES POV:
The undeniable tension in the air at Elstree gave away the brewing nerves bubbling in everybody's stomachs. Live show day always brought a series of emotions, from excitement, to nervousness, to relief. You couldn't help but feel excited watching everybody transform from their usual selves into these incredible characters to portray. However, the looming cloud of an elimination was hovering over everybody's head. You could be next to get the boot, which is something that completely terrifies me to this day. But, the minute those scores are revealed, a wash of relief would flow over you like water - a refreshing, almost lightening feeling. To be able to walk through those double doors, it was a surreal feeling. Walking in here meant something more that what it seemed to be. For most, it would just be a regular Saturday - Turn up to studios, be pampered by an array of professionals before being sent out to be in front of camera after camera for the rest of the day. But for me, a usual Saturday would consist of a sleep-in before being cramped behind a desk and computer editing through clip after clip. Being around what felt like a thousand or so cameras wasnt natural for me, I was used to one small camera I would hold in my hand. This way, I had control over what was used, and what was not. On the brighter side, Strictly was signifying a new beginning in the life of Joe Sugg. A life outside of social media and the Internet, one that involved interacting with the real world on a daily basis. From waking up to my Uber ride here, the notification buzz has not stopped blasting out from my phone. Which I could tell pissed my driver off to no end. I knew the meaning behind all of my mothers text messages was lovely, all she wanted was to wish Dianne and I luck and exclaim how excited she was to see us both. But to have my phone blown up from 6am was not something I was loving. With her and my nan somewhere in the audience, the pressure to make them proud was slowly building in my head, like a house being built over time.

Coffee cup in hand, I took my usual seat on the sofa next to Amy who like me, was warming up her body by hugging her own takeaway mug. We mirrored one another, both taking gentle sips yet not too much to burn ourselves on the hot liquid. My nerves combined with the habit of stress-drinking coffee meant it only took a few sips to get to very end of the cup gearing me up for the multiple events that could hit me today. With her breaks between dances and my late arrival to studios, our usual greetings was around this time where she would fill the empty void of my absent dance partner. Every week, without fail, the same discussion brought up on which of us had it worse and who's week was more hectic. Despite Danny's natural ability to move his hips in time with the music, she continued to argue against me. At the start of this week there was a false pretence in my mind that the waltz was not going to be as difficult as it seems. This was far from the truth. Inside, I knew that there was a slight exaggeration to my words for we had been in practise constantly. Every step and technique rule had been rehearsed and repeated until what she was saying turned to a jumble of letters. Yet, something about this week seemed off. Sitting with Amy made me feel relaxed for the first time, her warm and caring nature contributing to this feeling. She made you want to open up fully to her, and tell her every single thought that was roaming around inside your head, no matter how deep or personal.

But that thought, the one like an itch you cannot scratch, formed this feeling inside me to spew out everything I was feeling at that very moment onto Amy. "I could go to any bar, I mean it's a Saturday.. there will be groups of girls there who I could talk to.. taking one home wouldn't even have to mean a lot.. it would just be better than being alone.." The silence between us and Amy's quick change in posture implied for me to continue on this case of verbal diarrhea. "Or I could go online on all of those online dating websites.. somebody would be there for me to talk too.. but I can't do that to her.. all I want is her, it's all I have ever wanted.." My admitting to Amy lightened the growing load of thoughts building up in my head, like a heavy feeling lifting off my chest. Until she hit with the big question. "Joe? What is so special about Dianne for you?" In all honestly, I did not know. There are many things I could say I love about her character, but do those things make her special? While we had only know each other weeks, she had managed to find parts of my person whos existence was unknown until now. But our growing closeness scared the shit out of me, truly. The feelings I have for Dianne do not compare to any other girl. With other girls there was no possibility of love. With Dianne, there is. If I just fuck up and loose her, there is no chance for me to make a connection again like the one I have built with her.