Cigarettes

Chapter 28

Great love means great loneliness.

If one loves their significant other more than they love themselves, saying goodbye when the time comes is the hardest thing one must do.

Death.

It is unavoidable. It ends great love, it brings it to its finish line. It brings emptiness and sadness. It brings loneliness.

I never understood it. I never understood how one could love a person so much they would psychically and emotionally shut down once they lost them. At least not if the person you lost wasn't your blood.

I understood the pain and loneliness in your heart when you lost someone, yes, I did. But that person I knew my whole life. I did love him more than I loved myself. And life had to take him away from me. It had to take one of the most important people in my whole existence away from me.

But I kept searching for love. I kept trying to find it, and I still am trying. I wanted to find someone to fill in the emptiness that I felt once I lost my grandpa. I wanted to feel the kind of love everyone talks about, not the one that practically comes served when you're born.

I was jealous. I was jealous of the people that already got to experience that kind of love. The love that brings you to marriage and starting a family.

I was craving love. And my cravings led me to Harry. That didn't turn out good. But Harry is the reason I found out Luke is really a good person overall. A person who cares about others, whatever his reasons seem to be.

And if I hadn't found out, I don't know what would've happened today.

I woke up with a hangover, which is weird because I've never had a hangover. My head was heavy and I could barely keep my eyes open, but as soon as I sat up from a really uncomfortable laying position, everything that I've drunk yesterday came up and before I realized, I was running into the bathroom.

After a few minutes of unwanted getting drunk results, I decided to take a cold shower and then take a hot bath right afterwards just to stay in the hot bubbly water for a long while.

What actually happened yesterday? Or should I say today? I remember a lot of drinking and a bunch of dancing. I also remember wishing Calum new year's... Wait. Calum... Oh right! Calum was making out with that girl of his. I have to ask him why he hasn't introduced us.

Lisa was there... Lisa and Michael were making out. Oh my God! How the hell did they happen. They were totally working it!

Then Luke interrupted my staring at Lisa and Michael... Oh. Oh shit. Okay, yeah. We wished each other happy new year and...

Thinking about all that's happened yesterday, I took the shampoo I had bought and poured it into the water to get the sweet smell and more bubbles. Then I dove in the water for a few seconds to get my hair wet. The hot water was relaxing me and the cold shower and previous emptying of my stomach from unhealthy liquor lessened my hangover. My head was still pounding but I didn't feel as sick as before.

So Calum, Michael and Luke all made out with someone yesterday. That's nice. Stupid fuckboys.

I was happy for Calum because I knew he's gone out with the girl before. I wasn't sure if it was the girl he went on a date with, but I assumed so since Calum wasn't one to mess around with a few people at the same time.

I was happy for Lisa too. She told me she's known Michael since forever and that they stopped talking since something happened, but what I didn't understand is how they met up like ... that yesterday.

But for Luke I wasn't happy. I wanted to smack him in the face. But at the same time I wanted to not talk to him at all. And on the third note, I wanted to just ignore everything and act like nothing happened. That's the most reasonable option, right?