[ an autumn slowburn romance ] Asterin and Jayce have met before. Yet, they are strangers to each other except for the familiarity of each other's broken hearts.
When Jayce is suspended from work until he produces a diagnostic report stating that he...
THERE WAS NO SIGN OF JAYCE FOR A WEEK. I was getting worried. His phone always went to voicemail and I was annoyed that it pissed me off so much. It wasn't usual for me to worry about my friends when they don't pick up my calls because I knew that they would call back and give me creative excuses. What worried me the most was Jayce didn't have work so he can't possibly be busy. I wondered if he'd left the town for a spontaneous getaway or the like.
I complained to Stacey about it.
"He is a 26-year old man, Asterin. He knows to take care of himself. He is not a fragile doll. Quit worrying unless you are romantically involved with him and feel the need to constantly check on him," she had said and I tried to stop thinking about him. I had no way else to contact him other than to go to his house, for which he had conveniently given the directions to, when we had to drop him after shopping.
My phone buzzed and I lazily opened the text. I almost tripped over when I discovered it was from Jayce. Sorry, feeling down. Will you meet you tomorrow — J.
Where you at? I texted him back immediately, not giving him the chance to seenzone my message once again. If he didn't text back, I would be very offended.
Home. Dw. Of course, I was worried. This man can't befriend me and leave me hanging for a week and then tell me not to worry. He had no fucking right.
I dropped my phone into my bag and strode straight to his house. I had taken a cab since I didn't feel like driving and I didn't want the driver to put up with me as I tried to remember Jayce's exact home location. I would know it when I see it.
And I did. The pale grey house was small and snuggled between two fat neighbours, one blue and the other white. There was a bicycle propped against the gate of the white house. Pulling my skirt down a little, I walked up to the porch and knocked at Jayce's door. There wasn't an answer.
I knocked again, louder this time and almost broke into the door if it wasn't for Jayce flinging open the door with an annoyed look on his face. His eyes immediately softened when he realized it was just me and his lips slightly parted in surprise that I was actually there, at his doorstep. I was so occupied with analyzing his expressions that I failed to see his hands first. They were bandaged.
"What in the stupid hell did you do?" I asked him, peeling his hand from the door. He pulled it back but I was stronger.
"It's nothing, Asterin –" he started, but I cut him off.
"I need details, Mister. You had me worried sick if you haven't realized that by now after seeing the number of texts and the calls you have from me. You don't get to talk," I said, barging in and firmly gluing my butt on his couch. I wasn't leaving without an explanation.
He mustered a wry smile. "I have to tell you the details but I don't get to talk? Sorry, I'm confused here," he said and I glared at him.
He sighed and sat down in the chair next to me. "I'm glad that you have no trouble making yourself at home," he said, pointing to my bag which I had thrown on the other side of the couch. I pulled it closer to me.
"I was drunk. I got mad and smashed the bottle with my bare hands to take it out," he said, raising his bandaged arm in evidence.
"I thought you were strong enough –"
He scoffed. "If you thought I was strong enough, why do you think they suspended me from work? Have you ever thought about that, huh? Do you know how much it hurts when you are almost invisible in this world? When no one cares about what you did or how you did something? When no one gives you credit for anything you do? I feel like shit every time a woman looks right through me as if I am nothing but a waste of time. I feel like killing myself because no one understands me. I hate myself because no one likes me and even if they do, it's all either a fucking act or they leave me in the end!" Jayce snapped and I couldn't do anything but stare.
I opened my lips to say something but nothing came out. I thought Jayce was falling into this pattern of feeling good about himself but I was so wrong. I didn't know he was faking smiles all the while, fighting demons in the background. My heart broke for him.
"And do you know what I see every time I look at you?" He asked, "I see you walking out of my life after making me feel like I belonged somewhere in this stupid world. I see you telling me that I would never be worthy of being your friend. I see you fed up with me and my bullshit. I see you give up on me and it fucking hurts, Asterin."
"What about the sessions with Dr. Morales? Did you tell him?" I asked gently.
"Who is he, Asterin? Who is he to me other than a therapist who only wants to get his pay? Why should I tell him everything? I am just one of his clients in that long list. It doesn't even matter what he says," he questioned again, and I winced at his harsh words. I felt attacked because I was a therapist too, just not his.
Seeing Jayce fuming and shaking in front of me ripped my heart. He sported a shabby look with a ragged beard — left unshaven in the past week — and messy dark hair that he didn't care about in the least of all. I edged closer to him and took his hands.
"You matter to him, Jayce. When you go to therapists for help, you have already made them your partner in the battle in your head. We are here to fight your demons with you. Together. We are on the same side. We don't abandon each other in a battlefield, even if you pay us to. Or stop paying us, in this case," I said.
He glanced up and stared at me. His cheeks were wet with tears, his eyes a scary red. He was broken.
"I am not going to leave you, alright? It's not what I do. Do you want to know what I see when I look at you? I see a brave man, standing against all odds in life, alone, even though it is killing you on the inside. It takes so much strength just to take a stand against it and you are doing it by going to therapy, allowing yourself to face your demons head-on. Yes, it's going to be a nightmare but no solution is painless. If it's painless, then they are shortcuts and shortcuts don't last. I am so proud of you for not giving up, you know. Like genuinely honoured to have such a man like you as my friend. Not even kidding."
"I want to give up, Asterin," he whispered, hiding his face with his hands.
"It's okay to feel like that. I feel like that too, somedays. But, you can't act on it. You know why? Because you're not alone anymore, Jayce. I am there for you, understand?" I said, reaching towards him. "Come here, you big man."
He didn't move. I huffed and went around to stand right in front of him. "You like to be pampered, don't you?" I asked as I wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him to me. He let out a snort through his tears and buried his face in my stomach. Only after a few hesitant minutes, he circled his arms around my waist.
"Thank you, Asterin," he said. "I am sorry you have to deal with me. I'm just so messed up. "
I sighed. "Aren't we all?"
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