Imagines • Calum Hood

Unexpected Turns

Calum and I found out about we're going to be parents about 3 months ago, and it took us by surprise, it really did – when you're on birth control, the less you expect is a baby, but it didn't stop us from embracing our child. Yes, we've been terrified, but I guess that's something that comes with expecting a child, raising a child will never be easy no matter what, and we know that. Our families have always been supportive ever since they found out about our baby, and that's a relief, not exactly because we base our actions in our families, but because knowing that we'd have their support is was like a burden taken off of our shoulders—now, both grandmas are planning on helping us once I deliver the baby. And we can't help but love how our baby is already so loved.

The morning sickness hadn't been that bad, it's pretty much non-existent and I'm really grateful for that, I'm only 4 months into my pregnancy and it has been pretty smooth. We still don't know if we're having a girl or a boy, bur that didn't stop Calum from coming home with a bunch of newborn stuff, clothing, pacifiers and other things – I cried my eyes out that day, and I loved him more than I thought I could, too.

~

A weird dizziness starts to kick in, I don't know if it's because I stood up too fast from the couch, but everything went blur for a couple of seconds and it felt like I had no strength at all. I walk to the kitchen, being chased by our old baby puppy, Duke – a cramp worries me, and since I'm too maniac, I text my boyfriend.

"I just had a bad cramp, should I be worried?"

He's currently working at the studio so I don't wait for a quick answer, but surprisingly so, he does.

"Not necessarily, you still feel it?"

"No, not anymore. It was a one second thing, but you know how I get"

"Don't stress yourself, babe. I've read some women experience cramps during their pregnancy, it's the uterus who does that, apparently"

"Someone's been doing their homework"

"You know me. Alright, I'll go back to the booth, text me just in case you feel something else. Love you two!"

I bite my lip and go back to sit at the couch. He's right, though – I've read about those cramps on the early stages of pregnancy, I need to know my baby is okay.

—Come 'ere, Duke -I pat the couch, and he jumps in right away-

I decide to binge back on The Good Place, not giving the cramp a second thought. I place my hand on my belly, feeling like I'm somehow, protecting our child. Two episodes in, I feel a heaviness in the lower part of my stomach, almost like period cramps and decide to Google instead of distracting Cal, the internet said it was normal – but minutes later, the pain intensifies, coming along with nauseas. I hesitate, not knowing if I should text anybody, not knowing if this feeling is normal. I could be experiencing just morning sickness in the evening and that pain could be my body adjusting to the life growing inside of me.

But fuck it, I call my mom to ask her if this was normal – turns out she also felt pain when she was pregnant with my brother, in the early stages. Not much happens, we joke about how I'm probably carrying a baby boy and how they're heavier than girls.

6PM and my feelings torn into something I've never felt before, a mixture of all the bad feelings one may experience, all at once – the red stain on the couch made my hands shaky and my breathing unsteady. I dial my boyfriend as tears run down my eyes, begging him to come home as fast as possible, I couldn't do this without him. I lose track of time standing in front of the couch, I couldn't bring myself to move or go to the bathroom and check if everything's fine... And it feels like I'm failing my baby, 'cause I'm the one who must protect them.

—Baby -I feel Calum's shaky hand grab my waist, he spins me around searching for answers in my eyes- what happened? Are you alright?

I analyze his shaky voice and how's he's running out of air.

—Talk to me, love, what happened?

I shrug, feeling like crumbling down. I point back to the couch's red stain, his eyes open wide.

—Y/N, articulate please. Wh-how? -he grabs my hand and makes me follow him to his SUV- we'll go to the doctor. Everything will be alright, okay? I love you two -he swallows hard-

~

Calum tries to drown his whimpers but it doesn't work much and I'm still high on anesthesia, but not so badly, I state at him as my heart breaks.

—I understand what you're feeling is complicated, however, it is my responsibility to let you know—since your uterus has been... Sterilized, you're more fertile right now. So, if you two want to try again, I encourage you to wait 3 days and start trying, if that's not the case, then I wouldn't recommend you to have unprotected sex at all. -the doctor explains, he cleans his throat and pats Calum's back- I'll leave you two alone, if you need anything, just ask any of the nurses to page me.

Calum briefly nods and watches him leave, once we're alone again, it takes -what it seems like- forever for him to look back to me. And when he does, his eyes look painfully sad.

—I am sorry -he barely mumbles, walking to the gurney where I'm laying- I feel a huge burden for telling you it was nothing, I should've picked you up earlier.

—Calum...

—No, don't even try to say anything. This is our baby we're talking about, I should've cared more.

—You heard the doctor, Calum, I started to miscarriage last night and I didn't feel anything until today. If anything, I'm the one who must feel guilty for not being able to protect our child inside of me... But, I know you wouldn't want to hear that.

—It's not your fault -he caresses my hair-

—Exactly. Neither is yours... And even if you came home earlier, there was nothing that could've been possibly done.

—I know that...

I move to the side, leaving a space for him, he understands what I did and joins me, resting his head in the crook of my neck and surrounding me with his arm—we stay still for some minutes, both of our eyes closed as we feel each other's breathing.

—I wish it would've been different -he says. I difficultly move my hand with the IV and gently caress his hair-

—Me too...

—I had so many scenarios in my head with our child, I'm just so, sad and disappointed. Y'know? 'Cause any of it is happening.

—I am incredibly sad, too. I even feel like I'm in a shock state, not fully processing this. You know I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck...

—Maybe in the near future

—No, I don't wanna try to get pregnant again, the thought of it scares me.

—No pressure, baby

—We should call our moms, you know, let them know -I suggest, sighing-

—No, let's take a moment for ourselves. -he looks up to me- I don't feel ready to talk about this... Yet. I don't wanna have to explain it.

—I understand -I mumble- I love you, Calum. Thank you for giving me the opportunity of being a mom for the past four months -I hold him tight-

—No, thank you.