𝔹𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔹𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕣𝕤

𝕥𝕙𝕣𝕖𝕖

(TW: Abuse, disordered eating, implied self-harm)

News flash: I wasn't lucky.

    As soon as I step foot into my house, the scent of alcohol slaps me in the face. Great. I attempt to navigate around my house without being in my dad's line of sight. Unfortunately, that didn't work as well as I thought it would.
    "Where do ya think you're goin, huh?" I stop dead in my tracks as I hear my dad's gravely voice from the living room. "Answer me!" He barks out. I take a deep breath before responding.
    "T-to my room...I was going to start on my homework..." I try to control the shakiness in my voice, which doesn't really work, but it was worth a try. I think.
    "Fuck no you're not. Get over here girly. Now." I'm not a fucking girl, goddammit. I reluctantly walk into the room where he is, trying not to show my fear. Your fear will only make him stronger, Antonio. You can't let him know. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me close to him, allowing me to smell the vodka on his breath. The scent makes me want to hurl, but I keep a straight face, now allowing him to see my pain and fear. His grip on my arm tightens for a moment before I get thrown to the ground, my back hitting the cold, hardwood floor. I prop myself up on my forearms in an attempt to stabilize myself, but that plan quickly falls through as his foot connects with my ribs. He hurls different insults and slurs at me, but all of the words are mashed together and I can't understand what he's saying. He gradually puts more and more pressure into his foot, making it harder and harder for me to breathe, before grabbing me by the leg and slamming me into the wall, nearly knocking me out on impact. The rest was a blur...

   
    I wake up a few hours later to the feeling of ice on my cheek and the sound of my mom gently whispering my name. My real name. She's the only person in this fucked up world that doesn't use my deadname. She's the flashlight that guides me through this tunnel of hell and darkness that I live through. Once my eyes come into focus, I see her gentle face staring at me in worry, which softens to a gentle smile once she sees that I'm awake. My eyes dart around the room. I'm no longer in the living room, but rather in my own room and on my bed. The sun is starting to set, disappearing behind the trees as the sky transforms into a blast of warm colors. Sunset was always my favorite time of day. It was just so beautiful, and it was always a constant in this rocky life. No matter how hard I was beaten or how sick I was, the sunset would always be there.
    I feel the icepack change places on my head, which brings me out of my daydream.  I start to feel the bandages plastered across my skin, itching with every tiny move I make. We just sit there in silence for a bit before she reaches into her bag and pulls out a water bottle, as well as a granola bar.
    "It's not much, but I figured it'd be better than nothing, right?" I nod in response, taking the items from her. "I would make you dinner, but your father specifically told me not to give you anything to eat tonight, and it's pretty hard to sneak a whole meal upstairs without him noticing." She gently runs her hand through my blond curls and I lean into her touch. God, what would I do without her?
    "Thanks momma," I start, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "This is more than enough, don't worry." She cocks an eyebrow at that. "Really, Momma, it is. I had a big lunch." It hurts to lie to her, but she already has enough stress in her life, she doesn't need to stress about my eating habits as well. We sit in silence for a little longer, but this kind of silence doesn't make my skin feel like it's covered in bugs. This kind of silence is...comforting. In a weird way, but still comforting. Maybe it's because I actually care about the person with me, unlike at school, where I wish everyone would die in a hole filled with their own shit and piss. My mom takes a deep breath before breaking the silence.
    "Well, I don't want your father to get suspicious, so I better get going. He doesn't want you to leave your room, so text me if you need something." She places a gentle kiss on my forehead, making sure not to press too hard due to the bruises and cuts that litter my face. "Love you Antonio. Try to get a good nights sleep, it'll help you recover faster." Yeah...I already know that's not gonna happen. It's not that I don't try, it's just that the nightmares prevent me from getting a decent amount of rest.  She flashes that soft smile before exiting. I flop back on my head, ignore the searing pain that runs through my body after. I turn to reach for my phone when a glint of silver catches my eye. It's a razor. I'm surprised my mom didn't confiscate it like she usually does. I guess she didn't see it. Sitting up, I reach over and grab the razer, folding it in my hands for a bit, trying to make up my mind. I guess I'll be wearing long sleeves again tomorrow...