𝔹𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔹𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕣𝕤

𝕗𝕚𝕗𝕥𝕖𝕖𝕟

(TW: mental breakdown due to dysphoria)

To no surprise, I barely slept that night. Most of the night was spent staring at the ceiling, contemplating if I made the right decision.  I barely noticed the time passing until I saw a glint of orange light shine through my window. Sunrise. I rest my cheek against the cold window, watching the sky slowly burst into a painting of warm colors. My hands, aching to move and have something to do, started to trace shapes in the condensation. After a few minutes of staring, I moved away from the window, curling up into a ball. My blonde curls fell in front of my face as I dropped my head to my knees with a sigh.

I hear a knock on my door. This is the first family I've been with that's had the decency to knock instead of just barging in. Before I get to the door, I hear Jack's voice shout, "Breakfast is ready!" I guess they didn't want to me hide in my room like I usually do. 

In an attempt to make myself look more presentable, I put on a decent outfit and brush through my curls. Looking in the mirror, I make a face at my chest sticking out. They look and feel like tumors and I just wish I could fucking cut them off. Tears start to prick my eyes, but I shove them back and change the shirt to a hoodie. It helps a little but not much. My hands move to my hips, which are way too curvy to pass as masculine. My hands move to my shoulders, which are nowhere near broad. Now that I have Jack and Charlie to see every damn day, I can't help but compare myself. Why couldn't I be born like that? Why couldn't I have the masculine features I've been craving since I was eight? The tears return, and there's no stopping them this time. My brain continues to point out all of the feminine things on my body. I sink to my knees, being for the pain to stop. But every time I push a word out, I'm reminded of how high-pitched my voice is, which makes it worse. As I run my hands through my hair, I hear Charlie's voice on the other side of the door.

"Hey Toni, ya comin?" Fuck. They can't see me like this.

"Y-yeah, I'll be there i-in a minute." I push out, trying my best to cover up the fact that I've been crying. 

Spoiler alert: it didn't work.

"You alright in there?" Damn. He can see right through me, can't he? "Can I come in?" FUCK. NO. I watch the knob slowly, freezing in fear. I hear the sound of his crutches as he enters, looking around the room. His face drops when he sees me on the ground. "Shit, what's wrong?" The strawberry blond asks as he slowly makes his way over to me. I can't tell him. I can't tell him that I'm trans. He'll hate me forever! He won't want to be seen with me! He'll go and tell Medda and I'll be moved to another home! Or does Medda already know? I'm not sure how much information was in those files...

My thoughts are interrupted by Charlie plopping down next to me. "Hey..." He places a comforting hand on my back. It's a miracle that I don't flinch. Probably because I'm not paying attention to the touch. "you can talk to me, Antonio. What's wrong?" He pauses before adding. "If you're not comfortable with telling me that's fine, but I wanna help you if I can." We sit there in silence as I try to decide whether I should tell him. Aw hell, he's gonna find out anyway. it's better sooner than later.

"W-well..." Fuck. I'm not sure how to do this. I barely know him or how he'll react. The only person I've ever come out to was my mom, and I knew that she'd react positively. Charlie? I have no clue. "Uh.." I can't find the right words to put together.

"Take your time," Charlie says as I finally meet his gaze.

"I...uh.." I take a deep breath before spitting out "Iwasn'tbornaguy." I look of confusion comes across his face. 

"Ok um..say that again...but slower," He says with a hint of humor. I don't laugh.

"I wasn't born a guy..." I repeat. "I guess I just had a mini mental breakdown..ha ha." I try to make light of the situation.

"Ah, dysphoria's a bitch, isn't it?" Now it's my turn to be confused, but I nod. 

"Yeah...it is..." He chuckles.

"Don't worry, Medda and Jack are both super accepting. I know from experience." He says with a wink.

"Wait...do you mean..."

"Yep! I'm like you, dude!" Holy shit! I'm not the only one? This is fucking amazing! I can't help but smile. "So don't worry!" He steadies his crutches on the ground and uses them to help him stand up. "Now, let's get ya cleaned up and then eat breakfast!" He grabs a tissue and hands it to me as I stand up. 

"Thanks, Charlie."

"Of course! Now hurry up! Medda made pancakes again, and I don't want yours to get cold!" And with that, he leaves.

"Maybe living here won't be that awful," I whisper before heading to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. "Yeah, this house is gonna be just fine," I say with a smile before heading downstairs.