𝔹𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔹𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕣𝕤

𝕗𝕚𝕧𝕖

(TW: fighting, panic attack, mention of blood)

          ...But of course that didn't last.

         After a few hours of glorious peace and quiet, my dad had to barge in drunk and ruin it all. Typical! You could hear him before you could see him; the slam of the door and the slurred curses he'd yell making my stomach drop. Then, you could smell him; the alcohol scent that covered his body like a nasty cologne. I didn't stick around long enough to see him stumble into the living room. As soon as that scent hit my nose, I ran.

(Panic attack starts here)

        I ran up to my room and locked myself in, avoiding another beating. Skipping dinner wouldn't be that bad. It's not like I get much anyway. I lean my head up against my door and slide to the ground. I can hear the fighting going on downstairs, making me sick to my stomach. As soon as I hear a crash from the kitchen, most likely a pot or a pan, I grab my headphones and shove them into my ears, trying to control my breathing. A rush of color arrives on my face as my heart started to race and I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. The music becomes louder and louder in my ears, despite the fact that I haven't touched the volume. It eventually becomes too much and I rip them out, letting a slight sob escape with the movement. I fall back against the wall, unable to stabilize myself, as my body begins to shake uncontrollably. It gets harder and harder to breathe as my throat gradually closes. I don't even notice that my fingernails are digging into my arms until I start to notice a tiny bit of blood coming from that area. A million thoughts zoom through my head at once. My chest starts to ache as tears stream down my face, quiet sobs escaping my lips. Come on Toni, 4-7-8. Remember what mom taught you? You can't rely on her all the time. Breathe in for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight.

(Panic attack ends here)

         I keep repeating the breathing pattern as I slowly regain control over my body. The tears and the shaking start to stop. My throat opens and my heart stops racing. My chest pain slowly fades away with the rush of color. The fighting downstairs had stopped a while ago. It pains me to think about how it ended, but I have to try not to focus on that. I use my bedframe to help me stand and maneuver myself onto my bed. I grab a bottle of water from my nightstand, my mom must've left it there. God, I don't deserve her. I climb under the covers and close my eyes. I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep, but my eyelids were heavy from the...incident earlier. I lay there for a few minutes, allowing myself to recharge. My eyelids became heavier and heavier by the minute. OK, maybe I am sleeping...