a rose by any other name

chapter twenty-two ❃ going home

Draco and I stepped into our usual compartment, being greeted immediately by Pansy and Blaise. I was very tired but the excitement of it all was keeping me awake and finally seeing my friends again after months of just Draco and the others was more than a relief. It was very warm for September still and I was sweating in my black robes, I daren't take them off though. Draco and I had been given a half an hour lecture on how no one can know what we are, I thought well duh obviously but they still found it necessary to treat us like we were children, which I suppose we were, but it was hard to feel like a kid when you're doing The Dark Lord's dirty work. Our school shirts were too light, and our mark was too dark it would show through as if we had nothing covering it at all, I was just going to have to suffer with this unbearable heat until it got cold again, and by the way Draco kept adjusting his tie and wiping his shining forehead I could tell he was having the same problem as I was. The train ride was weirdly comforting though, unlike the last one where I had been heading to what could only be described as the end of my life, I was now heading back home, where I could feel safe, well safer. However, I was no longer the same person as I was when I was last on this train, and life at Hogwarts could never truly be the same again, no matter how much I longed for it to be.

The train rolled into the station and all the fifth years grouped into their houses automatically as we got into the carriages to take us to the castle. I caught up with some other friends like Daphne, Crabbe and Theodore, they had all had great summers by the sounds of it but not even one of them asked me or Draco why we left so early. We arrived at the castle and went to the Great Hall for the first Grand Feast of the year. I couldn't help but think back to last year, when the Triwizard Tournament was first announced, a lump formed in my throat and tears pricked at my eyes. It was a lot, being back home. At the Manor I could just ignore what my life was like before, it was so much easier to just pretend like it wasn't real, or I was just making it out to be better than it actually was. But, actually being in the building, surrounded by my friends again, away from all the darkness it was hard not to want this to be what my life was actually like still. It was a constant reminder of how different my whole life was now, how dark it was, and how... wrong it was. I blinked away my tears and smiled at my friends who were now taking their seats, the Slytherin table was the one closest to the wall on the left of the hall, if you sat facing the wall the only house you could see was the Slytherins sat opposite you, I planned to sit there for obvious reasons but Crabbe slipped into the seat a second before I could, he laughed at me and pointed to the seat opposite him, I gave him a scowl and was about to walk away when Draco pushed him out of the seat from beside him, he gave me a knowingly smile, before scowling down at Crabbe who was scrambling to get back up as I sat down. I smiled back at him and Crabbe rolled his eyes before quickly walking around the table to sit opposite me. Dumbledore started speaking and it was the usual "Welcome back... blah blah blah... timetables will be given tomorrow at breakfast... blah blah blah... may the feast begin!' Magically, food appeared on the tables and everybody dug in straight away, It was the evening now as the train ride was painfully long so I hadn't eaten all day, I was starving and joined everybody as we ate and laughed, it was hard not to be happy here if you could just forget everything else, and even for me, sometimes... that was possible, if only momentarily.

Everybody had finished and the dirty plates had disappeared, Draco and Pansy wanted our dorm obviously, so I was kicked out for the night again, like nothing had changed. However, I noticed that Draco was hesitant at first, he was trying to find them somewhere else to go but since Blaise had already bagsied his dorm with Daphne, they didn't really have a choice, in their eyes anyway. I assumed he was hesitant because he didn't want me wondering the castle after curfew by myself, who knew who I might bump into. I said it was fine and they all left the Great Hall, I sat there for a bit trying to decide where my best bet was. The library? I doubted students would be studying already but I couldn't stay in there all night, Filtch and his scraggly cat would kick me out at curfew, so It wasn't really a good option. The Astronomy Tower? No, too risky I suppose, anybody could be up there clearing their head as I had always done, and I didn't want to see anybody tonight. I guess the best option was just to stay in the Slytherin common rooms, I didn't like doing this really, Draco and Pansy refused to use a silencing charm and the portraits creeped me out, they were just always watching, and after the fire went out it got pretty cold in there too. I sighed and stood up before leaving the Great Hall myself, I decided to take the long way around just to waste a bit of time. I was lost in my thoughts, looking at all the details of Hogwarts that I had missed so much when I turned a corner and bumped into someone. I stumbled over, and by the sounds of it so did they, I quickly looked around before I got up and it was pretty dark, but I could tell that somehow, I had ended up outside of the kitchens. I gulped and stood up not saying anything, I was about to apologise when whoever I had bumped into stood up too. I couldn't believe it, of all the students, in all of the years, in all of the houses, well I suppose not all of the houses I was outside of the Hufflepuff common room; I had come face to face with him. I had only been here hours for Merlin's sake, I panicked, and I felt sick, seeing him was like a punch to my stomach, I wanted to crawl into a ball and just melt into the floor. I wanted to crawl into his arms and just melt into his embrace, I corrected myself.