Meadow Of Roses (Dazai x reader)

Miss you

Y/N

Chuuya looks at you as he sees the tears fall down your face and your happy yet broken smile.

You know this is the best for Dazai but at the same it hurts knowing your just another face from the past now for him.

But that's just a thought in your head, you don't know if he left for the better and you don't know if he thinks of you as another face of the past. Dazai is always a mystery.

Chuuya looks down and grits his teeth,
"That damn idiot! Making you cry like this! What the hell is that guy thinking?!" Chuuya shouts.

You wipe off your tears and remember that Chuuya has been taking care of you all this time,
I owe Chuuya big time. I'll get him so wine!

"Chuuya, please don't worry." You begin, Chuuya now looking up at you.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me, I owe you big time!" You say smiling. He blushes, "yeah, yeah sure anytime." Chuuya says embarrassed,
"Make sure you clean up okay? I'll come by later today with Mori." Chuuya says as you leave his car, you nod and watch as he drives away.

As soon as you close the door to your house, you drop your phone and lay on the couch.
You curl up and cry.

"Dazai, are you happy wherever you are? Did you find happiness?" You say aloud.
You cry remembering moments of you and him.

Though like a child, you exhaust yourself from crying and fall asleep.

——
(Memory)
"Y/n can I ask you another question?"
Dazai asks as you lean on his shoulder.
"Yeah what is it?" You ask staring at the night sky.
"What was your life like before your mother's death?" Dazai asks.
He's still trying to find out more about my past....

"Before my mother's death? Why would that interest you?" You ask Dazai.
"Because than maybe I can figure out more about you. You make me question so much and your kind soul in the Port Mafia doesn't quite add up." Dazai says.
You sigh, here we go again...

"I had a normal life, like an average person. I have a half brother that's a lot older than me and doesn't want anything to do with my family, I never met him. Other than that it was normal, no one was abusive and I lived a happy simple life." You explain.
Dazai looks at you as if he's trying to analyze something.
"What is it?" You ask.
"How can you kill?" Dazai asks, he's like a child, full questions.
That question is still a strong one though.

"Kill? Mori taught me that." I say.
"Mori became someone like a father to me, after losing the father I had." Dazai eyes widen,
"He might've had different intentions but okay..." you give Dazai this look of disappointment and than continue,
"He just handed me a gun and said, 'do it' his eyes had so much power on me as he looked at me, they said, 'kill him or I kill you' almost." I said.
"So you just did it out of shear fear for your own life?" Dazai asks,
"Yes." I admit.

"I see... are you still scared of him?" Dazai asks,
"In a way yes. But I also owe him so much. He gave me a second chance in life." I say.
Dazai nuzzles his face into your hair as you lean against him.
"You want freedom don't you?" Dazai asks.
"Yes in a way. I want to see another way of life." You admit, "but I've already told you that before." You add.
"You're torn between the two aren't you?" Dazai asks. You're eyes widen.
He figured you out just like that.

"That's one way of saying it." I say.
"I feel so much warmth in the darkness of the Port Mafia, but at the same time I see the same warmth in the another way and I want to explore that." I say,

Now I ask the questions,
"Dazai, do you feel the same warmth in this darkness?" I ask.
He doesn't say anything, have I finally stump him...?
"No, I don't feel anything. I don't know to feel the warmth you've discovered in the darkness of the Port Mafia." Dazai says.
"Oh... I see.." I say awkwardly.
The conversation goes quiet.

"But your warmth is enough for me. I can feel that." Dazai says, kissing your check.
"Is that so?" You say playfully.
"Yes always." Dazai says softly.
You guys continue staring at the stars watching each one sparkle.
——

You wake up, tears falling down your face still.
"I want your warmth again.." you say quietly, and crying again.

You get up, wiping away the tears and cleaning yourself up.
You take a shower, put on a bit of makeup to hide the bags under your eyes best you can and a dress to show some sort of class.

You hear a knock at your door.
Chuuya and Mori.. I almost forgot...
You take the door,
"Hello..?" You say quickly peeking your head out the door to see Chuuya smiling showing off that he bought you your favorite wine and Mori behind him smiling and waving.

"Great to see you back y/n" Mori says.
"Y/n! Y/n!" Elise says peeking behind him.
She runs up and hugs you. She always likes you, maybe because she was there with you from the start. She's almost like a friend to you in a way.

Everyone heads inside of your home and settle down.
After a bit of small talk. Mori seems to get serious.
Chuuya pours wine.
"How long was I asleep for?" You ask.
"About 2 weeks." Mori says.
Chuuya looks down,
"Chuuya was so worried very worried." Mori says losing the mood in the room.
"Hey!! She's my subordinate! Of course I was worried!" Chuuya spats back.
Mori laughs.

"Y/n heard anything from Dazai yet?" Mori asks, Chuuya looks down nervously...
"I- I have not.." you say.
Everything coming back to you, remembering how he went missing.

"I see.. I thought he might've at least communicated with you at least." Mori says,
"What?? He isn't back yet!" Elise says.
"No. No sign of him anywhere." Mori says in a parent like tone.
You stay quiet. You have a feeling where Dazai is but it's better to keep your mouth shut.

"Y/n, do you know something we don't..?" Mori asks,
Crap! He knows!
I nearly forgotten how I can't hide things from Mori. He always knows.
"N- no! I'm sorry I don't know anything!" You say bowing your head hoping to hide your face of lies.

Chuuya now jumps in,
"Stop asking her alright?! It's only going to upset her! She doesn't know!!! It's already hard for her to know he's  gone!!!"
Mori awkwardly laughs,
"Right. Right. Sorry y/n, I just want to know anything about my dear Dazai."Mori says.

You're just worried Dazai might rat you out
You keep your thoughts to yourself, you still are in debt to Mori you can't just strat betraying the one who gave you second chance.

The little get-together keeps going. You enjoy a few more drinks, everyone talks and doesn't bring up any more recent incidents for the rest of the evening.

As it gets later, everyone starts wrapping up.
Elise hugs you before leaving with Mori and Chuuya follows behind Mori.
They all wave but before closing the door Chuuya walks up, he looks at you with compassion in his eyes.

"Yes Chuuya?" You say scanning his body language.
He leans in.
"Y/n talk to me k? I know you're sad but I don't want you holding it in. You have a bad habit of that." Chuuya says before turning out to leave.
"Thank you." Is all you manage to say before he leaves completely.

You shut the door and sigh.
Your head spinning from all the wine you had,
I guess drinking all that to numb my emotions didn't work in the end...
You say to yourself feeling the sorrow come back.

You can't tell if you're happy that Dazai probably left for the better or if you're screaming inside to have him back.

Y/n quit lying to yourself! You hate that he's gone. You hate it. You regret ever telling him things that gave him ideas of a brighter life. You hate him. You hate yourself.

"No!! Shut up!" You scream aloud.
You could never hate Dazai.
You don't regret telling him what's right.
You just miss him, incredibly.