Sweet As Sugar

Chpt 9

I've been writing and rewriting the text for the past week and a half.
I've been going between the ideas of telling Eoghan first or telling Chloé. Telling Chloé first and getting her opinion on the situation seems like the better option, But it seems extremely unfair to Eoghan.
I've asked my parents their opinion they've just told me to do what my gut is telling me to do (some help they are)
I look at Lucia for aid and all I get in return is a curious look while she chews her her hand.
I smile and laugh a little and give her the teething ring that she abandoned once it defrosted. She starts chewing on it spit dribbling down her chin eventually ending up on her top. I sigh and smile its always simple moments like these that make me thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I'll wait until she goes down for her nap to call Chloé to ask if she's available to meet up.
I stand up and take Lucia out of her crib I go downstairs avoiding the kitchen where my parents are more then likely talking about me and not in the proud parent way. I sit Lucia down on the floor amongst her toys and pick up a random one and start fooling around with it in an attempt to amuse her. She looks at me as if she's judging me.
I pause and shake my head she's still a baby and I'm imagining things. Riley walks into the room slightly agitated. Lucia and I turn our attention to them,Riley sit's on the couch paying no attention to our attention. I divert my attention from Riley back to Lucia messing around with the plush sheep that I picked up a minute ago. She starts giggling when I make the sheep give her kisses all around her face. My phone pings i check it and its a message from Milo. "Hey Riley do you mind keeping an eye on Lucia?"
"I dont mind"
I get up and Riley takes my place in front of Lucia, i check the text when i get out of the room.
It reads "I know your secret".
The oxygen is whipped from my Lungs,my hands start shaking.
This can't be happening. If he knows then who else knows,He can't keep his mouth shut if he knows the others know.
I run up to my bedroom flop onto my bed and cover my head with my pillows.
If the others know then why didn't they attempt contact .
I want to run go to a new country as a new person but I can't I've a child to raise and it's not fair that her father doesn't know that she exists but life isn't fair nothing is fair and that's how this cruel world works.
I'm gonna have to rip off the bandaid and tell Eoghan.
Acting on the impulse of my decision I pick up my phone and call him.
After a few seconds of the phone ringing he responds and I hold me breath.
"Hello...Cassidy?"
My voice wavering as I reply "Hi..."
"A-Are you ok?"
"We need to meet up soon "Eoghan..."
"Cassidy are you ok?"
"Can we meet up the park or a cafe?"
"I-Sure"
"I'm free tomorrow if you want to meet up at the park?"
"That's good with me Cass what time?"
I shiver when he calls me Cass it's been forever and I missed his voice calling my name.
"Is 1pm ok?"
"Sounds good Cass"
"See you tomorrow-"
"Bye..."
I hang up and the tears start falling down in endless streams I feel a tiny bit relieved but also terrified for his reaction.
  I calm myself down enough to go downstairs get Lucia and bring her back to my room.
My parents have learned not to question my tear stained face at this point and carry on as if there wasn't a sign of a tear on my face.
I pick up Luica and take her upstairs. I set her down in her crib and flop onto my bed looking through the netting on the side of her crib to look at her.
She looks confused as to why she's in there.
Why does she look so much like her father,why couldn't she look like me.
It would have been easier.
If you knew that Eoghan and I had any sort of realtionship you'd know immediately that she's his child.
When she was first born I couldn't stop crying because of how much she looked like him.
It was like rubbing salt on a raw wound.
I was terrified.
I didn't want to hold her it took me a week to hold her again after the initial contact.
I was a kid myself and suddenly I'm the sole carer for a baby.
I had to grow up over night.
I couldn't no longer act childish I have to act like an adult.
I have a kid to raise.
It hurts to see others my age doing reckless shit that all teenagers do.
Partying,getting drunk,Going places with no notice.
Part of me longs to be doing that sort of stuff with people my age.
But the other part of me knows that I actively chose to not be a teenager anymore by keeping Lucia.
But I felt so guilty when I considered it.
She didn't ask to be brought into this world and if she was put into the foster care system god only knows what would happen to her.
I had the means to give her a good life it seemed wrong to not.
My pregnancy was utterly horrible.
I had horrible morning sickness for the majority of my pregnancy.
I learned very quickly that morning sickness isn't just in the morning and that it doesn't just end after the first trimester.
Once I got big enough I was in constant Pain.
It honestly turned me off ever having another.
Once I got over the whole pregnancy and recoverd physically and somewhat mentally I had a laugh about the whole situation.
To think I went through probably the worst experience in my life and laboured for over 27 hours with her and she ended up looking like her father.
But looking back on my pregnancy and the six months of her life  it was all worth it.
To wake up every morning and she her never fails to make my day.
Even if she was up all night being fussy or crying.
It has always been a pleasure to care for her I don't mind making her bottles getting up and the most random of hours to feed her.
I don't mind changing her diapers or giving her baths.
If it means that she's going to have the best start in life I'll do it no questions asked.
I want to show her how bright and beautiful this world can be when she's young so she'll always have happy memories to look back on.
Even when she's old enough to understand that this world is a horrific fractured mess she'll always have something good to remember to make a difference to make this world a more equal kinder place.
That child is going to do amazing things.