IN YOUR MIND. fezco

xvi. in your mind

xvi. IN YOUR MIND

Rue had gone off, saying she needed to have a conversation with Fezco. Lulu bit her lip, hoping it wasn't a lie to cover a drug purchase. After seeing Jules getting madly wasted she could picture Rue being triggered and wanting to let off the steam with some drugs. But she wasn't Rue's mother and Lulu was quite convinced Fezco wouldn't sell her anything.

He wanted her to be clean and safe just as much as Lulu did.

And now it was Lulu and Lexi sitting on the couch, drinking soda and observing all these teenagers getting drunk and high, making out and stumbling up the stairs as some of them looked for privacy.

"So, how've you been doing?" Lulu asked, "I know I said we'd hang out but—"

"Don't worry," Lexi interrupted, "I know you've been super busy since you're like a superstar now."

Lulu shook her head, "Nah, really I'm not. But, seriously though, are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I guess?"

"What?" Lulu frowned, "You're not sure?"

"I mean, it's weird."

"What's weird?"

"I don't know, I just don't feel like a... real teenager sometimes?"

"Uh... you got me confused right there."

Lexi chuckled, "It's just that... I don't feel like I live the same life as the others."

"Why? 'Cause you're not getting crazy wasted at every party and that you aren't having sex with three different people each week?"

"I... uh... well, that's... kinda exaggerated don't you think?"

"Exactly my point," Lulu replied, "You don't need to do that to be a teenager. Like... what the hell is a normal teen anyways?"

"Yeah... I guess you're right."

Lulu shrugged, "I mean I don't know... you look pretty sane to me. Like... compared to the rest of us."

"I just don't see myself going that hard you know?" Lexi admitted.

"And that's cool," Lulu said with a smile, "'Cause, to be honest, doing all this crappy stuff is actually crap. You feel sick whenever you're drunk, sex is rarely amazing and... yeah we're all just too fucked up to care for ourselves."

Lexi gave her a concerned look, "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah... not everything's perfect but I'm... I'm good," Lulu replied, "But you though! Who do you wanna fuck, uh?"

Lexi turned red instantly, "I... what, no? I don't—"

"Oh please!" Lulu breathed out, "Don't lie to me! You'd never bring this up if you didn't wanna go all crazy with someone."

Lexi sighed, "Honestly, I don't know... But, yeah, I guess I wanna go all crazy with someone."

"That's my girl!" Lulu laughed, "But, hey, no pressure! Do it when you feel ready and shit."

Lexi nodded and they shared a knowing glance before stealing all the attention on the dance floor with their silly moves.

... ... ...

Lulu knew she would find Fezco outside, smoking a blunt and waiting patiently for clients to come for their party supplies. She sat next to him and lit a blunt as he turned his head to the side and couldn't contain the smile forming on his lips.

"Hey you," Lulu said, "Business's good?"

"Yeah, didn't expect that many to buy tonight," Fezco replied, "I think I'm done for this party."

"Wanna go?" Lulu asked.

"Well, yeah, why?"

Lulu exhaled the smoke, "You can give me a ride home?"

Fezco raised an eyebrow, "You done? Not havin' fun?"

"Yeah I am," Lulu said, "I just wanna go home."

"Sure, let's go."

The house was filled with drunk and sweaty teenagers, Lulu noticing how Fezco gently grabbed her wrist to help her follow him out. He reluctantly let go of her touch when they finally got to his car, Lulu texting Rue and Lexi to tell them she was leaving with Fezco.

The car ride was silent, which was comfortable, as Lulu reached out for Fezco's phone to change the music currently playing, "Can I put a track?"

"Yeah, y'know how I love your music."

Lulu's smile quickly fell when she read the text notification on Fezco's screen.

milla
i really wanna hang out with you soon if you're down... could be nothing serious if you want i dont mind

Lulu didn't drink yet the way her stomach flipped reminded her of all those nights she drank so much tequila she would need two days to recover afterwards. Lulu was quick to put the phone down, forgetting about her original plan to change the track.

Fezco sensed the tension and checked his phone when he stopped the car at a red light, rolling his eyes in annoyance, "Y'know I'm not interested in her at all, right?"

"Uhm, what?" Lulu said, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Milla."

"What about her?"

Fezco groaned, "I know you seen that text she sent me."

Lulu remained silent, finishing her blunt as she looked outside, feeling both relaxed and slightly tensed by the conversation unfolding. She never wanted to be the jealous type but seeing that text drove her crazy on the inside.

"She never on my mind," Fezco said as he parked the car in front of his house.

Lulu nodded and they both got out, the girl giving him a long stare, shifting around, "You... you got a lot of people in your mind?"

"Only the people I love," Fezco replied as he stared with more intensity than ever before.

It was the first time that Lulu really noticed the way Fezco would look at her. His gaze was particularly strong, a mix of soft tension she had never seen in anyone's eyes before. She should have felt small under it but it made her feel quite the opposite. As if, with that simple look, Fezco had just given her exactly what she needed.

"Am I in your mind? Sometimes?" Lulu asked bluntly.

Was she scared of Fez's response? Scared wasn't even strong enough. She was fucking panicking on the inside. She had been rejected once, she was already thinking of a location where she'd dig for her grave if it happened again.

"I'd lie if I said it was jus' sometimes," Fezco confessed.

Lulu fluttered her eyelashes in surprise, definitely not expecting Fezco to give such a straight answer. Maybe she had thought he would never want to be more than friends, maybe his little confession didn't mean anything. Her brain was foggy and her thoughts were caught in a blur as she tried focusing on her increasing heartbeat, feeling herself being carried away in a personal fantasy she tried to push away before reality would knock and hurt her.

Next thing she knows, Lulu is awkwardly saying goodbye and locking herself in her house.
...
My best friend is a fucking idiot.

( ... )

a/n wise words rue, wise wise wise... because lulu's really an idiot (i say that when i'm the one writing this so i guess I'M the idiot)