From cero to a hundred

Christmas day

"Why would you do that?" Connor asked me, as we were sat on a stone wall looking at the sunset.

"I dont know!" I snapped back at him.

"Did you atleast go after her when she left?"

"No." I told him looking down at my feet that were swinging from side to side.

"I can't wrap my head around why you did that though." He said scratching his head.

"She's gonna be gone by summer. I'm not gonna be able to see her again for god knows how long, and that's gonna hurt me more, than nothing ever happening between us." I explained to him.

"I think you're wrong there." He told me.

"What do you mean?"

"It hurts more the doubt of 'what if?' than what ends up happening. Because at least you know what happens if you try it, even if it ends badly. When you don't even try it you'll never know what could have happened, and that haunts you for the rest of your life." He explained. "Have you at least texted her since then?" He asked me after there was silence between us.

"No. She probably hates me now. " I told him.

"Look it's your life and your choices but I just want you to know that you two had was something special. A connection like that is something that rarely happens in this day and age." He told me.

"I know Connor. I just need some time to think about it all and process shit. I've been this emotionless person forever, I was driven by my goals and if something would come between them they would be out of my life. I'm just learning how to balance everything. I'm sorry, but I've got to go." I told him as I hopped down from the wall and picked my bike up.

I cycled as fast as I could back to my house and picked up a ball in my backpack and cycled out to the pitch. It was dark and cold, since we were in the middle of december. I left my bike down on the floor and started dribbling around nothing before shooting straight at the goal.

I kicked the ball as hard as I could from a short distance getting all my anger out. I knew I had fucked up but I didn't know what to do to fix it.

I spent over an hour just getting my anger out, exhausted I fell to the ground. I laid down in the damp grass as I looked up at the stars. I felt a tear run down my face. I hadn't cried for over two years, and in that moment everything just came out.

I sobbed in the middle of the night just laying on the pitch for a bit. How could she possibly impact me so much in so little time, I went from feeling nothing one day, to feeling everything the next, and that was fucking scary to say the least.

As I calmed down and tears stopped streaming from my eyes I wiped my face, picked the ball up and walked over to my bike. I placed the ball inside my rucksack as a paper caught my eye. I pulled it out and opened it up.

Hey, it's me.

I don't know when you'll see this, but today is the november 20th. Just wanted to wish you good luck for your game and tell you that I believe in you, I'm proud of you, and you're the best.

I'll see you soon, but meanwhile try not to miss me too much.

Love Shannon.

I folded the piece of paper when I finished reading it and placed it in my phone case as a tear strolled down my face 'not again' I thought to myself.

I closed the backpack and headed back towards my house. I just wanted to get into my bed and cry into my pillow. Put her sweatshirt on, because it smelt like her.

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"Come on Jamie! You can't spend the whole week in your room! It's christmas day." My mum shouted at me from downstairs.

I pulled myself out from under the sheets and walked over to my mirror. I looked rough. The last three days it had been raining non stop and I decided to take a small break from everything, so I hadn't left my room.

I splashed some water on my face, before putting some light cologne on and walking down to the sitting room where all my family was waiting for me.

We opened our presents while I thanked them all and put on a fake smile so I could get this over with as soon as possible and head back into my room.

Well that's what I had initially planned but reality was I was getting sick of spending every single minute of the day in my room so I showered, got dressed and went for a walk, while it rained ever so slightly.

I walked through the back road to a forest, which was about 3 kms away from my house. The road was old, with a few houses scattered through the path.

I had my earphones on playing 'if the world was ending' over and over again. It had been Shannon and I's song and I loved it so much, but it reminded me of her.

It sounds weird to say that a song that talks about heartbreak was me and Shannon's song, but you see we were texting one day and out of the blue we both told one another to listen to this song. I just didn't expect it to become reality.

I got to the forest and walked through a path out to this river that is on the other side of the forest. I sat down in the grass patch and looked at the river slowly move, while the wind hit my body.

'I know, you know, we know

We weren't meant for each other and it's fine

But if the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

You'd come over and you'd stay the night

Would you love me for the hell of it?

All our fears would be irrelevant

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?'

Why was I so scared of something that could be good. Why could I just not let myself feel something.

I took my phone out and looked through my images. Loads of them were with Jade and the team, some of them were with Connor, but most of them were with her.

I couldn't help but smile looking back at the pictures and reminiscing the moment. Deep inside it hurt, a lot. But at the end of the day even if they had become memories, I atleast had them to look back on.

I got out of my gallery and went into my texts, I had Shannon pinned so I went in and wrote this long text about how sorry I was and how I missed her and that I fucked up. As I sat and re-read it, I couldn't send it so I went back to point cero and just wrote 'i'm sorry, can we talk.' and sent it.

I didn't expect anything back, I knew she would be hurt by what I told her the last day I saw her, and I understood where she was coming from. I myself wasn't good trusting people, that's why it hurt me that I made her not trust me.

I picked myself up, and changed the song into a playlist I had, that also consisted of sad songs, but it wasn't the same one playing repeatedly.

I walked back towards my house. My phone buzzed just as I came out of the forest and back into the back road. quickly pulled it out hoping it was Shannon, but it was just the team wishing each other a happy christmas.

I put the phone back in my pocket and walked home. As I got home, my mum called me into the dining room. "It's christmas day, get in here, we've got lunch." She told me as I took my jacket off.

"Sorry mum, I forgot what day it was." I told her as I sat down beside my grandma.

"Hey leave the kid alone, we all lose track of time sometimes don't we?" She asked me, patting my head.

"Thank you." I whispered to her, while my mum went into the kitchen to bring out the gravy. She just nodded her head and started eating her food.

Hope you all had/have a great day! Enjoy the chapter and let me knwo what you all think about it! Thank you for reading.