So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

5. Like that Coldplay song

I'm lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, and I know that I have to sleep - it's almost three in the morning, and my alarm goes off at seven-thirty - but I just can't. I've been tossing and turning for three hours, and here I am, I'm still wide awake.

The conversation with Jean has drained me, and I feel exhausted, but somehow I'm not sleepy.

It's like that Coldplay song, Fix You.

I immediately grab my phone from the nightstand, plug in the ear-buds, and scroll down to find that exact song. I like Coldplay, but they've always been a little too depressing for my tastes, which is saying something, as I usually love depressing music. But tonight this song just feels right. Who knows, maybe I will finally be able to cry.

I know that people don't necessarily have to tear up to express sadness, but it has always been the way I deal with my feelings. Not crying scares me, it's like I'm bottling everything up inside, and I believe that I won't be able to really get over Lilian and everything that has happened if I don't let it all out.

But I can't. I've tried, I've listened to all our songs, watched all our videos, went through all the text messages and photos... nothing. Zero. Not even a single tear. My eyes weren't even watery.

I don't know what it means, but I'm terrified to find out, and I'm worried that, when I'm finally able to pour out my feelings into tears, I won't be able to stop. It's like what happens in the movie Titanic, when the pressure of the water is so strong that they're not able to close the door behind them. I'm afraid I won't be able to close the doors once they open.

My friend Rachel says the human body is not the Titanic, and that it's physically impossible for me to cry forever. Rationally, I know that, but there is a part of me that is still paralyzed by the fear that my mind and my body won't be able to handle that much sadness, that much crying.

I wish I could sleep. Everything is easier when I'm asleep, because in every single one of my dreams Lil comes back, she apologizes to me and we can pick up where we left off. Part of me knows that this isn't healthy, because reality is different and we can't live in a dream forever, and it also wouldn't be fair to me to just take her back after what she has put me through, but is it that wrong to allow myself to linger in this fantasy for a little while?

But sleep doesn't seem to come. I've always been a night owl, staying up until three or four in the morning has always been a habit, and it's normally extremely hard for me to fall asleep, but at least I usually spend my night hours watching tv series or reading, or Skyping with my friends back in the US - or Lilian... I used to Skype with Lilian until the ungodly hour... but I can't think of that now, or sleep will never come. That's the thing: I'm not watching tv series, I'm not reading, I'm just lying in bed, replaying my entire relationship in my head, hating myself for what, according to Lilian, I have done to ruin it.

To be honest, even after everything that has happened I still can't bring myself to regret coming to Seville. I needed to do it for myself, and I believe that, if I hadn't made this decision, I would have ended up resenting both Lil and myself. However, I can't help but hear Lilian's last words to me in my head: I ran away, I abandoned her. It might have not been my intention to do so, I might have not actively or consciously abandoned her, but the result doesn't change. I've always believed that intentions don't mean much when you end up hurting someone: whether or not you meant to do something, it hurts just the same. And I did hurt her. I did abandon her. I thrust this intercontinental relationship on her without realizing how much it would have ended up breaking her. And I was forcing her to move to a country she didn't want to live in, leaving her life, her family, her friends, and her job behind, just to be with me. While it's true that it had been her idea to move here, it had probably felt sort of inevitable, since I wasn't planning to move back to Los Angeles. If I hadn't decided to come to Spain, she wouldn't have had to make that decision in the first place, so I can't help but see it as some sort of imposition on my part. I might not agree with the way she decided to break up with me, but I can't really blame her for doing it.

At some point, I'll have to stop playing the victim and accept the fact that, even if we spent seven years together and we planned a life together, we wanted different things, and this is the only way it could have ended. It happens, it's a part of life. We loved each other, and maybe we still do, but sometimes love isn't enough, and Lilian and I would have never worked in the long run, not like this.

I grab my phone on the nightstand and check the time: it's past three-thirty, I really need to sleep, but I know the way my brain works and if I stay here in bed I will never stop thinking about Lilian. So I get up and quietly sneak into Jean's bedroom. Despite having slept on the plane and despite the jet lag, she's having better luck at resting than I do.

I lie down next to her, and she stirs a little.

"Sash?" she asks, her voice drowsy.

"I can't sleep alone tonight. Do you mind?"
She doesn't answer, she just grabs my waist with her arm and pulls me closer, basically spooning me. I smile and close my eyes, knowing I will finally fall asleep soon.