So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

12. Shock to the system

I've lost track of how much time I've spent against the wall of the karaoke bar, smoking one cigarette after the other and trying to calm myself down. I know people inside might probably think there's something wrong with me, but I can't bring myself to get back inside. Besides, maybe they're right to think there's something wrong. How else can I explain what I am feeling? I must have lost my mind, because there's no way in hell I can be attracted to my very straight co-worker just recently turned friend. No freaking way!

The door of the bar opens and Rory joins me on the street, lighting up a cigarette herself. Just my luck!

"Is everything ok?" she asks, sounding a little concerned.

I nod. "Yeah, I just needed some fresh air... I'm not used to that kind of dancing, and I have the lung capacity of a hamster," I outright lie, hoping to sound convincing even if I have a cigarette in my mouth, the third one since I came outside, I might add.

"Well, you were quite good. You actually kept up with me, which isn't easy at all."

I smile, thankful for the compliment, and then I zone out, forcing myself to tear my eyes away from her eyes, her lips, her breasts... fuck, what is happening to me? I haven't felt this hot and bothered in a really long time. I mean, yes, I love women, I really really love women and I never fail to notice and appreciate their beauty, but I usually have more restraint. I should be able not to completely lose it and become a total mess only because a pretty girl was grinding against me for one song. I should be better than this. And I am, I usually am; I've spent my entire life surrounded by women, some of them who are very beautiful, I used to share locker rooms with all my school mates, live in a town where basically all our free time is spent in our bikinis on the beach. Hell, I live with Jean and we walk around naked all the freaking time, and Jean is definitely easy on the eye, but I've never, not once, felt like I couldn't control my hormones. And yet here I am, torn between the desire, the urge to push Rory against the wall and shove my tongue into her mouth, and the hope, need that she would just go back inside and leave me be.

Instead, to make things worse, she comes closer and touches my arm, asking me if I am really ok, like she's really concerned about my well-being, so blissfully unaware that she's the one who has caused all of this.

"Sasha?" she asks again when I fail to answer. "What's wrong?"

I realize I can't keep this up, I have to get a grip and pretend that our dance hasn't given the biggest shock to the system of all times. She mustn't know.

I shake my head and try to smile.

"Nothing's wrong, I promise. I really just needed some air. Go back inside, I'll be there in a second. I can't miss you singing Wonderwall, now, can I?"

"Are you sure? You look a little weird."

"Yeah," I lie once again. "It's all good."

She smiles, puts out her cigarette, and with a last look, finally goes back inside the bar, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

When I feel a little bit calmer I finally head back inside. The rational part of me has kicked in and it's telling me that it's totally normal that I am attracted to Rory, since she's a really beautiful woman who has danced with me one of the sexiest dances of all, and I am not made of steel. It doesn't mean anything, not if I don't want it to.

Lucky as I am, I am back at my table the moment Rory walks up on stage. The first guitar chords start playing, and even if I don't want to I can't help but focus on the words that my friend is singing, noticing how fitting some of those words are right now.

"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now... There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how... Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..."

I try not to look at Rory, but it's really hard. The way she's swaying her body up on that stage once again stirs up sensations that I'm not sure I want to feel. I'm doing my best not to give anything away, but I'm worried my face is showing every little sign of the arousal that I'm feeling right now. Thank god she can't really see me from the stage, but I'm sure everyone else in the bar can feel the heat spreading from my body.

When the song ends is a blessing, and for the rest of the night, I try to stay as far away from Rory as I can, spending time with Jean, Giselle, and our students. I also stop drinking, because god knows what I would end up doing if I got drunk. From now on, I think I'll avoid alcohol during school events. I can never lose control around Rory, now that I know I'm attracted to her.

It's about midnight when we decide to leave, since tomorrow is going to be quite busy for all of us. I understand that no one would show up to school events on a weekend, yet I hate that we always do these things during the week, so we either have to end it relatively early or show up hangover and sleep-deprived at work the next day. Tonight, apparently, we have decided to find a compromise between the two options.

"Thank you for the dance," Rory says when we're about to part ways. "It was fun."

"It was," I agree with her; too bad she can't even imagine the earthquake of sensations that one simple dance has caused in me.

"See you tomorrow, ladies," she waves goodbye and follows her roommate, Elena, to the car, while I do the same with Jean.

I'm awfully quiet during the ride back home, and Jean can't help but notice. Of course she notices, she knows me better than almost anyone else on the planet.

"What's up with you, tonight? First, you run out of the bar like it's on fire, then you disappear for a good half hour, and now you haven't said a word since we left the place. Is there anything I should know? Has like... oh my god, has Lilian contacted you?"

"What? No! Of course not!" I squeak, totally caught off guard by her assumption. As if Lilian would ever get in touch with me! "Nothing's up with me, I'm fine. It was hot in there, I danced and needed some air, that's why I went out, and it was too hot in there, so I decided to stay out for a while. Now I'm just tired, a little sleepy, that's all."

She furrows her brow and shakes her head like she doesn't believe me at all, but thank god she lets it go. I'm really not up to telling her the truth right now, mostly because I know it would lead to her bending my ear about how I shouldn't even be friends with Rory, let alone be attracted to her, and that's not what I need right now, even though she might have a point.

"I might have had a little too much beer," I add, in a desperate attempt to somehow justify my odd behavior. If I fake being a little tipsy I might actually get away with this.

"Now that's more likely, even though I haven't seen you drink that much. Have you?"
"I guess," I shrug. "I'm not drunk, just a little tipsy, you know? And tired, really. I think I'll crash the moment I touch my bed."

And that's exactly what I do, because I wasn't lying when I said I was tried. All those thoughts, all those surprises, really exhausted me. So when I finally reach my bedroom I remove my makeup in no time and I fall on the bed, close my eyes and I know I'll be asleep in just a few minutes.

Somehow, my brain is still able to realize that, for the first time in god knows how long, my last thought before falling asleep isn't Lilian.