|59| solitude

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I swear I am fine with my solitude,
it is my most comfortable state
of existence.
within it, I bloom and I flourish,
I sing and I dance,
I scream and I come alive.

I swear I am fine with my solitude,
but sometimes it betrays me and morphs
into a screaming reminder of
"nobody loves you" and
"you don't matter" and
"something is seriously wrong with you."
I shut my eyes, I close my ears.
the voice lives inside my head,
there's no way out of here.

I swear I am fine with my solitude
but sometimes it stretches and stretches
until it has pushed everything away,
until it is all I can see,
all I can feel,
all I am left to be.
at the end of the tunnel,
there's no light for me to see.

I swear I am fine with my solitude
but I'm so tired of romanticising it,
and feeding its ego, pretending it's a choice when it is anything but.

you see, the truth is
while I am fine with my solitude,
I do not desire it.
the truth is,
most days, I wish for it to be over,
most days, I wish for a way out.

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