Box of Scraps | RANDOM II

141 | idk

I'm not okay

I'm not remotely close to okay

Some days are better than others and other days are like today where I just want to...idk. Probably not die but not exactly live either. Probably just curl up in my bed at home and stop pretending I'm okay

I just...its hard for me to admit I'm not doing good. And I know that's not what this book is for but I need to talk about this because its serious and I dont really have anyone I feel I can talk to because I hate worrying people and feeling like I'm some kind of burden.

I hate myself, okay? I hate pretty much everything about me. I hate how non confident I am, I hate that I have a really hard time saying the words "I'm transgender" outloud. I hate that I'm different, that im weird. I hate that I'm a loser and that i feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. I hate that no matter what I do I cant lose weight. I just hate myself.

I try not to hate myself and some days I've got myself pretty convinced that I dont. Then days like today happen and I just want to burn myself or something stupid.

I dont know how to fix myself or how to love myself. I dont.

I'll say it again, I dont want to die. I just want this pain to go away and to stop feeling like I'm some piece of shit no one cares about.

I hate myself and I dont know how to fix it.

[And dont tell me to get therapy because that's not something that's possible for me at the moment]

I'm sorry this isnt anything happy. I just needed to vent.