"You outta here?" Ross asks as I grab my gym bag and throw it over my shoulder.
The gym hasn't quieted down, kids still fill the space, laughing loud, darting from group to group. I've managed to push what looms to the back of my mind for the majority of my time here but now that it's come to an end I can feel that tingling spread of anxiety as it ticks through my body.
"I have to meet with my lawyer." I tell him, hoping that the unease of this particular meeting doesn't find its way into my voice.
Ross glances up at me from here he's bent over switching out of his gym shoes. "Routine?"
I shrug, it's not routine but I don't say so. "I guess I'll find out."
Ross will never fill the space that Drew did, I'd never expect him to either. And I haven't told Ross much, rather his information comes from the public, whatever everyone else has already dug around for. But he has become someone that I trust. To a degree.
Probably one of my favorite things about Ross, much like Drew, is he doesn't push me for information. He's never asked. And for me there's security in that. That I don't have to divulge the things I hate about myself and my past. That they accept me as I am, right here, right now.
I did at one point tell Drew. In college, I felt I owed him the truth. I owed him an explanation for all the times I had messed up plans because of a panic attack or backed out of something because of anxiety or lost myself and caused a scene as I slipped between past and present. I had put Drew through a lot. So I told him. It was all I had to offer.
But other than Dr. Aldrich, no one knows the complete story that is my life. All the series of events that led me to where I am. Even my mom got a watered down version. And really I don't have plans to tell anyone. I'd rather keep my past in the past. Even if I'm not that good at it.
"Good luck." Ross rumbles. "I'll have my phone on me. Incase you need an ear."
He always says that, incase I need an ear. I've never called him. But I still appreciate it.
"Thanks." I try for a smile but it doesn't quite happen. "Tell Bianca I said hi."
"Birdie the same." He returns.
And then I start off through the gym, keeping myself away from the center of it where everyone is lingering. I've found myself playing this game more often than not since Blue. Without him by my side, without his reassurance I find myself a sudden ball of nerves, my fists clenched around my gym bag, my chest tight, my steps brisk like I'm preparing to run.
I don't have anything to run from though. I haven't in a while. So as I walk, even as a sudden shriek sends my heart slamming, I slow down. I pry my fingers from the straps of my bag, I count off the things I see, the things I hear, things I can smell and can feel.
I remind myself when I push through the doors of the gym and I separate from the volume that lives inside its walls that the hallway will be significantly quieter. That Birdie will be there, waiting for me. That I'm safe. I've been safe. And that's not going to change.
"Bye Mr. Lincoln." The woman at the table by the gym doors says, her smile sugar coated and always just a little fake seeming.
I wave my fingers from the strap of my bag, my eyes set on the door, my destination.
As soon as I step through, the sound of the gym sealed off behind me I let out a breath. Aware that my heart pounds in my chest like a methodical drum, a little too fast but in rhythm.
"Hey babe."
Birdie's curls are extra wild, I'd blame it on the wind but I love them so I don't. As she comes closer, her hand stretching out to where it'll find its place on my arm I feel the tension start to drain from my body.
"Hey." I breath the greeting, her hand landing on my arm as I lean in for a kiss.
Birdie is amazing. But anyone that gets the chance to know her, knows that. The fact that I get to call her mine is still something I have trouble grasping at times.
"How was your day?" She asks as our lips part.
I wish I was one of those guys that could just pull her close and kiss her deeply wherever I got the inclination to do so. But I'm not so I let us fall into step beside one another as we head for the exit.
"Good, yours?"
"Busy. Dad and Ava want to do dinner tomorrow." She tells me.
I nod my head as we step out onto the busy street, mingling with the population. Chicago is always busy, there's always bodies bustling around no matter the time of day or time of year. It was one of the hardest adjustments for me. The lack of tranquility that could be found outside.
My first few months in Chicago were hard. So hard, I had questioned my choices on a daily basis. I was away from everyone I trusted, everyone I knew. All I had was Blue. Thank god I had Blue. I probably wouldn't have stayed had I not.
We jump on one of the train lines that'll take us back into the heart of the city, where sky scrapers are filled to the brim with businesses and people. Where the ground shakes with life as cars roll down the busy streets, and people trudge by lost in conversation on their phones. Where lights drown out the stars and honks fill any silence that might try to find its way to the city.
I reach for Blue out of habit, instead finding Birdie's hand and with it I confess "I'm not ready for this."
"It'll be okay." She answers instantly, confidently and I hope she's right.
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Who's excited? I'm excited! Hope everyone's having a merry Christmas!
