Ross didn't have any more information other than where Raf was being held. As I hung up, my mind sprung into action, desperation filling me as I begged my dad to take me to Raf.
"Tomorrow son." My dad reminds me as I sit on the couch at their house. Navy lays at my feet, the TV on low as it plays a movie I haven't been watching. "Tomorrow we'll go see him, okay? We'll call Tess and get a plan together."
I nod, consumed with exhaustion but unable to sleep and it's left me unable to function.
"We'll sort this out." He adds and even though every part of me is exhausted and my thoughts are too consumed with trying to figure out what happened with Raf even though I have zero details, I can still feel his hesitation to leave as he battles with what he can do. If I can handle a fatherly pat on the shoulder or a comforting hug or if today has been too much.
I offer him a smile, hoping it settles all my fears inside as he gently places his hand on my shoulder.
"I love you son."
"I love you too dad."
He lets out a sigh, looking at my mom who lingers nearby. "I'm going to go to bed, try and sleep Holt."
"I will." I manage to mumble even though I'm pretty sure we all know I won't sleep or if I do it won't be long.
And then he leaves my mom and I alone in the living room together. It's late, we got back after dinner, Birdie and Vida already in bed by the time we got in.
"How are you feeling honey?" My mom asks, setting a glass of fresh water down on the coffee table for me.
I don't know how I am. Relieved about Austin. Even if I can't rid myself of his memory at least he's still locked up. It brings me security. But Raf, Raf has me so rattled, so helpless feeling. I'm sure he's scared, terrified, alone. My worst fears realized as I sit here at home unable to help him.
"I don't know." I answer honestly. "Okay, sort of."
She gives me a soft knowing smile, her body hesitant as she looks for the signs that I can handle a hug. It makes me feel like I'm 17 again, scared and broken.
"I was going to head to bed too, unless you want me to stay up." She offers.
I try to smile, all it ends up being is a twitch of my mouth. "You can go to sleep mom, I'm alright."
And to prove my point to both of us, I open up my arms for a hug. The relief that washes over her is immense as she stoops low. She still smells like lavender and I take a breath.
"I am so proud of you Holt." She says into my ear. "And I love you so, so much."
I tighten my hold as if I might be able to tell her thank you for everything, for believing me, for keeping me safe, for loving me. All I manage to say is "I love you too."
She kisses the top of my head as she pulls away telling me if I need her to just come wake her up.
There was a point in time, when we were first going through the trial with Austin, I couldn't sleep. I was tormented in my sleep relentlessly. Waking up in constant night sweats, screaming, sobbing, fighting an invisible monster. I used to wake my parents up constantly but my mom would come in, she'd sit on the edge of my bed, gently rubbing my back until I fell back asleep. Just like she did the night that I got beat up in high school by an old teammate.
"Thanks." I say, even though, if I can help it, I'll let her sleep.
She takes a deep breath, lingering for a moment as if maybe she thinks I'll change my mind but I'm sure she's tired. And I know sleep is going to be hard even though I'm worn out.
"Goodnight Holt." She finally says.
And as she pads softly down the hallway to her room
I say goodnight back.
Letting myself sink deeper into the couch, I will my thoughts to stay quiet, my body to let go of the tension that's been coursing through me. My dad is right, there's nothing I can do right now for Raf and tormenting myself with what ifs will only wear me down.
I grab the remote, cycling through the list of movies but before I can even settle on one I hear the quiet click of a door. The stairs creak, bare feet tap against the wood floor. Navy lifts her head, watching for whoever is coming and even though I know I'm safe my body tightens in anticipation.
"Mom go to sleep?" Vida says, her voice warm, soft, lacking the roughness of sleep even though her bedroom was dark when we got home.
"Yeah."
She sits down beside me, a blanket draped over her shoulders. She tucks herself into my side, her head on my shoulder as she draws the blanket closer around her. Vida is the only person that I can handle being close to, even on my bad days. On the days when everyone else's touch sends me reeling, Vida is still safe.
"Can't sleep?" She asks. I shake my head. "Me neither."
"Why not?"
I think Vida's still mad that I didn't let her come but I'm glad I made the decision. I'm glad that Birdie and Vida didn't see him, they didn't hear him and his lies. I'm also glad that Vida didn't see how truly terrified I am of him.
"Just thinking about things." She shrugs. "Basketball." she adds and then on a breath she quietly says "and you."
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Last chapter is 43 just so you all know! I also survived skiing yesterday!
