I wake on the couch, my neck sore from the awkward position I slumped into when sleep finally took me. Vida's head in my lap, the blanket she had come out with last night in a pile on the floor, Navy curled on top of it.
It's early, the house still quiet as my bleary tired eyes try and make out the time. I only got a few hours of sleep but they were quiet hours filled with nothing but a deep, black sleep.
Austin didn't come for me.
A noise in the kitchen draws my attention, waking Navy from her sleep as she stares with me and I catch a glimpse of Birdie as she quietly moves about.
Glancing down at Vida, her mouth open slightly as a soft snore leaves her, her blond hair spread across her face, I smile. She's peaceful, maybe too peaceful as she sleeps dead to the world in my lap but I'm grateful that she has that luxury. That her dreams are just that, dreams, rather than nightmares. I carefully lift her head, wiggling myself out from under her as Navy stands and stretches her long body out across the rug before she slumps her way into the kitchen. I cover Vida with her blanket, brushing the strands of her hair away from her face and follow after Navy.
"Sorry did I wake you?" Birdie whispers as I step into the kitchen.
"No."
She watches me, studying me but I feel so much relief seeing her standing there in her cotton shorts and my tshirt and her socks pulled up her legs to mid calf. Her dark curls are spilling from the ponytail she slept in, her hazel eyes soft. It's overwhelming. That I'm here, that she's mine, that this is my life. It hasn't been perfect but I've got more than I ever thought I'd have. And it all started with Birdie. At sixteen, Birdie unknowingly set the wheels in motion to turn my life around.
I close the distance between us, meeting her in the center of the kitchen. She keeps her hands to herself and I'm aware it's been over a day since I've let her touch me.
A springy curl grazes her collarbone and I brush my fingers along her skin, tucking it behind her shoulder before I let my fingers tangle in the rest. For all the delicacy that Birdie has with me, she allows me to be bold back, always accepting what I give without a moment's hesitation.
"You are everything to me." I breathe the words, pressing my lips to hers hungrier than I ever intended.
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My dad and I ride to the station in silence. My eyes are irritated from lack of sleep but it does not come for me. If anything my mind and my body are pulsating with fear, keeping me alert and on edge. We pull into a parking space, my dad lets the car idle as he lets out a sigh, staring ahead at the building.
It's an unsuspecting building, like it could double as a library or a school with its brick facade and arched windows. It looks like numerous other buildings in the city and even though it doesn't look all that foreboding my memories make me feel otherwise.
"You're going to be okay Holt." My dad says. "And we're going to do whatever we can for Raf."
I nod, wondering exactly where Raf is in that building. Is he with a bunch of other people, hiding in a corner, trying to be invisible, shaking in fear like I was? The thoughts steal my breath, filling my body. I want to reach for Navy who's spread out lazily in the backseat, her face basking in the morning sun that beats through the window.
"I...I don't want to go in." I confess. I know it's a selfish thought, I know nothing will happen to me when I walk through those doors. At least not physically. But I can still feel the bone rattling fear of being brought into the station after trying to steal food. Before juvy, when I feared juvy but I feared Austin more. When I was desperate.
"Holt, Raf needs you." My dad says, I can feel him study me as I stare at the building. "You are safe and you are strong and I am right here."
My head nods, he's right. "I know."
The doors open, Tess emerging from them in a perfectly tailored pant suit, black with a crisp white shirt underneath. Her hair is sleek, parted in the center and even though she walks like a woman hell bent on destroying everything in her path, I know that when she gets to me all she'll exude is pure confidence and reassurance.
"There's Tess." My dad comments, reaching for his door and I do the same.
My hands shake, a tremble of fear laced anticipation ripples through me as I try to pull myself together.
"Holt, Rhett." Tess greets us but her attention turns to my dad. "I haven't spoken to Raf yet, I figured it would be best if Holt was with me." My dad nods and then I feel her shift toward me. I meet her dark gaze, feeling very much unprepared for whatever comes next. "Holt, I need you to get him to trust me."
I remember when I first met Tess. She was twenty years younger, fierce and all business as my parents seated me at a table across from her. Everything was still new, my parents were new, my name was new, Blue was new, this life I had stumbled into where my world wasn't ruled by fear and abuse was new. I had moments where I was sure it would all be torn away from me, I still met my parents suggestions with complete obedience. I sat there nauseous and terrified, I did not trust her. But they did. So I answered her questions and at some point over the years I realized I trust Tess also.
Nodding my head, I watch as she takes a deep breath. It's a steadying breath, I've seen her do it countless times before. It's a breath right before she delivers a blow whether that's in favor or not, I can never tell but I meet her breath with my own breathlessness.
"Before we go in, I want you to be prepared, Holt." She says her tone is softer than it ever is normally. "Raf is a suspect in a murder."
