Navy walks beside me, her big paws slapping against the concrete as we navigate the streets to a park. I was feeling restless in the house, my anxiety creeping up until all I wanted to do was go burn it off in the gym. But today is a rest day so I grabbed Navy's ESA vest and we hit the streets. Besides Vida told me that her, Jack, and Raf were going to go play ball at a park nearby.
Navy and I take our time. I stop periodically, asking her to check in with me before I give her a piece of crumbled treat. She's catching on, staying by my side rather than steps ahead at the end of her leash.
We cross the street with a group of people that spend more time gawking at Navy even though she has no interest in them. One woman in particular is trying extra hard to get her attention but she ignores her praises and compliments even as her voice gets high and piercing. The man she's with gives her a slight jab, pointing at Navy's vest and the whole time I pretend I'm oblivious to them. I don't necessarily like having to tell people that she's working, especially when she's wearing her vest. It seems like an unnecessary confrontation to me.
I lower my hand, Navy's noses finding my palm and the treat I have pinched. She's gentle when she takes it from me.
It's a short walk through the park, large oak trees providing shade and transporting us from the busy city to tranquil greenery within a matter of a few short steps. We wind the cement path, couples kissing on a park bench, a group of kids sprawled out in the grass, a woman and her dog, a man and his children. And then I hear the familiar twang of a basketball as it collides with a backboard.
The court is partially hidden by trees but as Navy and I near I see Raf and Jack in a game of one and one. Jack has some height on Raf, but what Raf lacks in height he has in speed and vertical. Before he stopped showing up to the center I was trying to help him get his dunk. He's almost there.
But what captures my attention the most is my sister. She's sitting in the grass on the side of the court, Lewy in her lap.
"Why aren't you playing?" I ask, coming up beside her and taking a seat in the grass.
Lewy practically attacks Navy, showering her with kisses until she looks about fed up with him, her head lifted high to keep it out of his range.
"Uneven numbers, duh." She rolls her eyes with an easy grin on her face.
"Never stopped you before. You against Raf and Jack. You could take them." I say.
But I'm watching her reaction as she stares at the two boys. Somethings shifted. She picks at a blade of grass, avoiding the court and me. It's so different than who she is, it's timid and unsure and that's not Vida.
"You know, you don't have to play." I tell her.
I could be wrong. Maybe. If I was anyone else probably. But I have years of experience watching for all the subtle things, gauging people's responses to things. At one point in my life it was my biggest asset, I relied on reading Austin to try and limit the abuse.
"What?" She gapes at me like I've said the most ridiculous thing but it's not that ridiculous I don't think.
"Basketball." I add for unnecessary clarification.
The only reason Vida plays basketball is because of me. Once mom and dad knew that I liked basketball back when I first came to live with them, they focused in on it. I still remember that day so vividly coming home from school to them seated at the dining room table with my old shoes in the middle of it.
If it had been Austin I would have been dragged to the basement. He would have hurt me.
But not my parents. My mom immediately took me out and outfitted me in new basketball shoes, clothes, a gym bag, countless things. Things I'd never had before and didn't need. And from that point on, basketball became an essential part of our home.
I'm incredibly grateful. Playing ball has always been the one place I could get out of my head. I had to in order to play. And I love it.
But Vida, she's never known anything but basketball. It's always been a part of her life, whether she wanted it to or not and I'm not entirely sure she realizes she has a choice.
"Why wouldn't I want to play?" She looks at me like I'm crazy but I think I'm right.
I shrug my shoulders. "Because you don't love it?"
She laughs but it's tight, not the bubbly lighthearted laughter that I love. I can feel her turn to look back at the boys on the court. I can hear the ball go through the rim, Raf celebrating. But I keep my focus on her. Noting how old she looks as she contemplates my words. How did she get so big?
"It's okay." Continuing on when she doesn't answer. "If you don't want to play anymore, no ones going to be mad. Or upset."
I'm confident when I say that. There was a time when I wanted to quit. Sure my parents were shocked that I was talking about retiring so young especially without an injury forcing my early retirement. I had a nosey manager that didn't like to listen to me and then there was Drew.
Dr. Aldrich has spent years telling me I couldn't change the outcome. I don't entirely agree. I could have not listened to Drew when he told me not to quit. I could have came home. We could have gotten a place together and then I would have been there. He wouldn't have been alone.
Vida turns back to me, her blue eyes so crystal blue in the sun they're piercing. Her blond hair pulled into a ponytail but bits and pieces are falling out everywhere. She looks so much like our mom, soft, kind features.
"Are you sure?" She whispers it, a vulnerable little admission as we sit alone with our dogs in a park.
A smile tugs at my face. "Yeah I'm positive. Mom and dad just want you to be happy. And so do I."
A breath blows out of her, a smile matching mine on her face as she leans into my side. Her head rests on my shoulder as she wraps her arms around mine.
Navy's at my feet, sitting alert but patiently as she watches Lewy pounce around her on his three legs excitedly.
"I love you Holt." Vida says after a minute.
"I love you more." I say back.
